ON GROWING UP AND GETTING LOST

What Gets Me Through the Day

2011-08-26T18:06:00.001-07:00

Cam: Someone really needs to find a Tailspin clip right now.

Ryan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_cMaGt52QE&feature=related

Cam: what a great show

Ryan: Do you remember when they filled the plane with icecream so the heat seeking missles wouldn't get them?

Cam: hahahaha, no

Tolley: I loved that show

Me: I never got Tale Spin. So the bear from Jungle Book learned to fly?

I was always confused by the characters.

Tolley: there were actually a few characters from Jungle Book that were in Talespin. If it wasnt far fetched that Baloo could talk, why is it far fetched that he learned to fly a plane?

Cam: Was he the actual Jungle Book character though?

me: I didn't say it was far fetched. I just never knew if that was him or not.

Cam: so, mogli grew up and Baloo decided it was time to grow up and start a career as a pilot?

Tolley: yeah, bears live forever...like parrots.

Cam: Alright, all cleared up.

R.A.M.O.N.E.S. (How I Stayed Entertained Today)

2011-08-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Pennywise

Green Day At least watch till 2:07. That guy is awesome.

Bruce Springsteen

Motorhead

And my personal favorite: Pearl Jam

Thanks, Internets.

Texas Update

2011-08-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

It has been about a month since we first arrived in Texas. We are liking it so far. Thanks to having some contacts down here that can show us around we have been able to do a lot of fun stuff already. We were introduced to the San Marcos River on our second day which was the 4th of July. We were told that we only had about two weeks to get in the river before before we were banished from the city. We saw the Martindale Parade, which was awesome as you can see from a highlight below:

I went on a day long barbecue trip that started at Snow's and ended with a two hour wait at Franklins.

We saw the world's largest urban bat colony,

and the Alamo.

So far, though, the highlight of our Texas adventure has been the Alamo Drafthouse. This might be my favorite spot on the planet. I know I have some other places to check out still and I have only been to the Alamo Drafthouse once, but it is a pretty solid bet. Take a look at the website and signature events and tell me this place is not awesome.

Firsts and Lasts

2011-06-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

Moving day is coming up very quickly. Chelsea and I went to Lake Powell recently, and during the trip someone mentioned that we were leaving in two weeks and it kind of floored me; I honestly didn't realize it was so close. We are now in the midst of having our last get-togethers with friends and family.

Saying goodbye to the young ones of the family is always the hardest part. I will miss the adult members of my family, too, of course, but I guess in those cases I know what I am missing. I have nieces and nephews ranging from eleven to two. For them, interests are beginning to form and solidify. Personalities are either beginning to shine through or are really starting to mature. I will miss a lot of their growing up these next three years.

I recently wrote a couple of paragraphs that are going to allow me to finally finish a story I have been working on for a while (and makes it so I have to change the tense of every single verb). They talk about the importance of firsts in life. Basically, they explore Gordie's assertion in Stand By Me that nobody has friends like the friends they had when they were twelve. You can meet all the people you can in your adult life, and tell them all the stories you want about the experiences that made you you, but no matter how well you tell it, they didn't experience it with you. Your new friends can never be there the first time.

When I say goodbye to the young ones I think about all the firsts I will miss, then I think about all the firsts I have already missed because maybe I wasn't trying to hard enough while I was still here, and so I vow to do better, and then I get angry because now I can't make good on my vow for another three years, and that makes saying goodbye that much harder.

Alumni

2011-06-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

I graduated today (May 6^th). I have been so stressed lately with work and moving that I was having a hard time being excited or relieved about finishing my degree. There is something in me that doesn’t let me do excited. I show more emotion about having time to watch a game or go to a movie than I do about something like graduating from college. I was very happy today, although you couldn’t tell from looking at me. I am not sure what that is. The lack of outward emotion about something I accomplished probably comes from my stunted self-esteem which makes it difficult for me to give any credit to myself. Whatever I have done there is always someone that has done something cooler and better than I. This constant stream of thought is a real problem, and I have discussed it here before.

My family was very excited for today. Seeing their excitement was helpful because I could be happy that they were happy, but I still couldn’t share it, so I decided to leave early for campus, park at our now former apartment and walk up through campus for the last time alone. I put my headphones in and walked the path I had so many times before and my emotions started to arrive.

I walked by the patch of grass where I finished reading The God of Small Things and remembered how I had to hold back the tears while standing in line to pay for my lunch directly after because the book was so beautiful and so sad.

I walked through OSH one last time where most of my classes were held. As I walked through the unevenly air conditioned halls the difficulty of this accomplishment finally hit me. So much frustration and happiness occurred in that ugly building. I thought about the lectures and subjects that went over my head, the fight to understand, and then the attempts to write intelligently about them.

I laughed while thinking about the emails to my professor concerning my first ever twenty page paper. The paper seemed to be going nowhere and my professor compared my writing process to the Nine Circles of Hell. The paper was on Sydney’s Defense of Poesy and Astrophil and Stella. The grade for that class relied solely on that paper and I got an A. After that paper I finally began to feel that my education was coming together and that I actually sort of knew what I was doing.

I walked up the stairs and by the little store where I would stop and get breakfast every morning before my African American Lit class. I would usually end up in line next to my professor, and standing in line with him became a sort of pre-class ritual.

I walked by were I studied The Simpsons and then by the classroom where I wrote another twenty pages about Lord Byron’s Don Juan using Simpsons’ satire.

It finally hit me. I felt good about myself. I missed my college years and this stupid building that couldn’t decide if it wanted to sweat us out or freeze us numb and would spit steam at you if you dared mess with the thermostat. That’s not to say that I wanted to jump into another degree, because I didn’t, and don’t. I think it is healthy to be able to miss something without having the desire to go back, which is not always the case with me, and I enjoyed the feeling.

A Very Specific Part of Kansas

2011-01-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

On Turning Twenty-Eight

2011-01-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

I celebrated my first anniversary on the seventh. It feels strange to not be a newlywed anymore. Marriage is still relatively new to us of course, but now it no longer feels weird to be married. The first few months of marriage were pretty surreal. Whenever I said, "You are my wife. I am your husband," I couldn't be super confident that it was true. The fact that I am someone's husband still gets me every once in a while, but for the most part I'm used to that fact. What gets me now is how I continue to fall in love. It's shocking, really. Which seems weird to say because I knew I would love her more today, than I did on 1/07/10, but there are these moments where I look at her, or tell my keyboard about her, and I say to myself I just fell more in love and I am amazed all over again.

I will say that my favorite thing about the last year has been our opportunity to comfortably and confidently fall in love.

Another shocking thing is that my life actually seems easier. I expected life to be better, but not easier necessarily. There was going to be more bills, more decisions, more complications, etc., but I didn't realize how complicated my single life was. I mean, there isn't a lot in life that is as complicated as dating; stupid people and geniuses alike struggle with it. I have a great family and group of friends, but being able to talk to someone about your life isn't the same thing as having someone who is going through it with you. Chelsea knows my problems, fears, weaknesses, and so on, but not because I have told her about them (as that is the case most of the time), but because she experiences them with me. That is a huge difference, and having someone like that in your life makes it easier. Not to mention having a person there to take care of you when you are sick, and who doesn't care if you might be embellishing your illness a tad for a little extra attention, because for some damn reason they just like taking care of you. That's much easier than when I got pnuemonia a while ago and stayed in my room all alone for five days.

I now don't have to look for comfort or relief. For the most part both are right next to me; even more so with our tiny apartment.

I don't mean to say that life is a cakewalk now. Life was a kick in the drawers before and continues to be; it just doesn't hurt as much these days.

While we are talking about shocking things: I was worried that my writing would suffer after getting married. You know, the plight of the happy artist. So much of what I am interested in is what it is like to be human, and I suppose my main interest is in love. It seems like it can create more happiness than anything else in life, but also can be more destructive than hate or fear. Not revelation, I know, but that's the basis for my interest in it as a subject.

When I write I like to think about it as acting. I have spent a good portion of life watching my brother on stage. There have been times when I was little where I was scared or nervous about the person on stage because he was doing or saying something horrible and I believed that he meant it. It didn't seem like he was faking it.

I still have these moments. He's currently in Born Yesterday at Hale Center Theater, and he plays an intimidating A-hole. There is a moment where he walks on stage very angry with his girlfriend. He doesn't say anything. He stands there looking at her. It made me, and I'm sure everyone else in the theater, nervous.

The difference between those moments now and when I was little is that now I know that when I feel discomfort or unease it is a sign as to how succesful he is at acting his part. And although he doesn't say anything in the above mentioned moment, I think it may be his most succesful moment in the play. I don't think I have ever expressed what his acting has taught me about writing and art in general, because I am not a very good talker and I didn't want him to think that I believed it because I actually thought him capable of the things some of his characters do or say. He has taught me that the point to good art is not to provide an escape for the audience/reader/viewer, but it is a study of the real, and what we felt in that moment and so many others while watching him on stage is real. Even though he may be faking it, the result is not. Pretty cool.

There are people who think what I studied for a bachelors degree is awesome, and those who think that studying literature is an irresponsible use of the college years. What the people who don't get it are missing is that I was not studying fanciful fake worlds. I was studying this one.

And I am pleased with my education.

What I am trying to get at with all of this is that if I am writing a character who does or believes things I don't, the idea is not to dismiss them as evil or vulgar or wrong, but to understand them and learn from them because that is what I will want the reader to do. The world is a lot of things, and I don't believe that any of it should simply be escaped from (at least not permanently), but dealt with openly. I want to study what it is like to be that way, and then act that way while I'm writing so that when I type it I mean it. Whether it works or not, I don't know, but that is my desire.

The point is that being in a loving relationship and happy made me worry that I would lose touch with the other aspects of love and life, and be doomed to write gooey stories where dudes just gush about the person they love because that was all I knew. I thought I might lose the ability to act some parts. But it turns out that imagining life without Chelsea brings up all those feelings I was scared I would lose touch with so easily that I needn't have worried.

Writing a character that is lonely while I am in love is so much easier than writing a character that is in love while I am lonely.

I still don't like birthdays much. Hence the focus on my anniversary, probably. Chelsea decided to call it "Jeremy Day" instead to take the emphasis off of getting older and put it on the fact that I can do whatever I want today. It helps. I am not sure if there is a secret to life, but it is possible that it is finding something that makes you want to look forward. While I'd prefer to be celebrating many prior birthdays instead of my twenty-eighth, all I really want in this world is Chelsea. She wasn't there when I turned eighteen or twenty-one, so I tend to look toward the future more often these days. As long as she is with me, I don't care how hold I am.

Quality Control a.k.a. I’m Bored as $#!*

2010-10-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

Everything surrounding me is gray:
The outdated wall to wall carpeting
And the glum shut blinds to keep out the day,
The cubicles partitions dividing.
I spend everyday searching for mistakes,
When all is right I begin to worry
If the report, after the time it takes,
Is flawless, then I was “in a hurry.”
No report can be seen without complaint.
They all have in them some imperfection
Like a few black drops dripped into white paint.
The photos don’t match the home description!
Turns out what I am best at, sad to say,
Is QC’ing a high value survey.

Amusement Park

2010-08-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

...And when you're really down and out
And you feel like there's no way out
Let go of your tears.
-Angel's Wings, Social Distortion

Dylan only wants to die sometimes.

There are times when he is happy, but he is able to draw so much happiness out of this life that he is bound to find the dark places too.

Dylan has discovered that this world we all live in is a world of opposites. Meaning, the happier he is able to make himself, the higher he is able to go, the bigger drop he has waiting or him.

I dare say that everyone understands the roller coasters of life. We know that passion works both ways, but what we don't understand, and what Dylan gets, is that passion should not be turned off. We know that when highs come to an end they can be dangerous, and when we reach that peak we shut down our passion and we fight gravity. We try to slow down and stay as high as possible.

Dylan doesn't.

What we forget is the lower you go, the more energy you have behind you to help you go higher than before. And so he doesn't fight his descent; he free falls. He descends so spectacularly that any recovery seems out of the question. He speeds toward that darkness, and when he gets there he loses himself as he continues toward the hard rock below.

His thoughts turn to despair, and still he doesn't attempt to pull up. He lets himself feel overwhelmed. What Dylan has learned is that the faster he reaches rock bottom, the sooner he can begin his long ascension, so he puts just as much passion into his sadness as he does his happiness.

At times he feels that death is an option. He says to himself, "Do I want to die?" When he continues to discover that the answer is, " No, I don't," he puts all his energy, all his passion, into being alive, and life is better than it ever was before because he knows he is exactly where he wants to be.

For Dylan, wanting to die sometimes is just part of life, and life should be embraced, not ignored. Feeling failure, fear, and despair just means he is trying.

After all, a level roller coaster would be boring as hell.

On Turning Twenty-Seven Years One Month and Fourteen Days Old (I'm Back!)

2010-02-27T03:22:00.000-08:00

The last time I blogged was in October and before that, August. Honestly, I shouldn't be blogging right now, either. I had planned in my head a triumphant return to the blog, but it turns out all I want to do is make the background white...

As you would expect, a lot has happened since my last post: an engagement, the holidays, like eight birthdays including my own and Chelsea's, the end of a semester, a wedding, the beginning of a new semester, moving etc.

First things first: Engagement/Marriage/Wedding

An interesting phenomena occurred when we were engaged. It seems about 93% of the people we told about the engagement (excluding friends and family) had nothing positive to say about marriage. Usually they just mentioned that they felt sorry for us, or talked about giving up our freedom and joy. I was told to run on several occasions. Many times these conversations happened in front of the spouse of the marriage basher (oh yes, forgot to mention that a lot of these people were married). Yes, they were joking, but a lot of times it was hard to tell, and hearing a husband tell us, in front of his wife, that he wishes he wasn't married, and we shouldn't make the same mistake he did, usually turned into words that we shouldn't have been present for.

We should have given them the finger for making us feel so awkward, but what can I say, we're nice people. I would like to give that overdue finger right now, however. Odds are if you are reading this you either fall into the friends and family category, or the 7%, but if not, just take it, you know you deserve it.

I would also like to thank the two stand-out acquaintances that were positive. An older gentleman from Chelsea's work responded "I love my wife." That guy kicks ass. A guy from my work who congratulated me when we passed in the stairwell said, "Marriage is a good thing. I dig it." To you two, I say thank you. Your change of pace made our days.

The lesson: When an acquaintance announces getting married try not to let your first words, or any subsequent words, be about how he or she is making a huge mistake. If the urge is too much, say congrats (or, if you can muster it, a congrats!) and walk away.

Because we wanted a ceremony focused on family we had my brother perform our ceremony. He doesn't have a marriage license, but, since having the state recognize the fact that Chelsea and I wanted to be together was secondary, that didn't matter to us. In order to fulfill said secondary objective, though, we needed to get married in the fancy state clerk's office the morning of our wedding day.

I know most people wouldn't consider getting married in the clerk's office as being a fulfillment of the best of two worlds, but for us it really was, and we did not expect it to be. We got to have the super private ceremony that we had originally planned for and then realized was not realistic, and a more public get together afterwards; we got to give traditional wedding vows, and say the "I do" which we weren't planning on and was pretty cool; we were legally married by a woman, which made my wife so very happy.

We had a great experience inside that office, and it just proves that, as my brother would tell us later on that night, All You Need Is Love. There was so much of it in that little room.

The wedding was amazing. It went off almost without a hitch; we got about as close to 100% success as can be expected, I think. It was a great day. I don't think I have or ever will feel that loved in one particular moment in time again. There were so many of our loved ones in one spot, and they were there just for Chelsea and I.

Our families worked so hard getting the place prepared before the wedding. So THANKFUL for all them. We later saw in our unedited video footage our families taking care of things the people from Noah's (reception center where the wedding took place) said they would take of, like setting up the tables, taking care of messes etc. The employees mysteriously disappeared after the ceremony. The playlist that I spent like 12 hours on, then deleted and re-did, and was so excited to listen to on my wedding day, couldn't be played because the system got screwed up and we couldn't find anyone to help fix it, and for that same reason Scene-It couldn't be played.

In the time I haven't been blogging I think I have done more growing up than I have in the past five years. My life is very different now, and so much better than what it used to be.

Speaking of growing up, I am twenty-seven years old now. Tony Kornheiser made a joke on PTI the other day, and Wilbon said that 18-24 year olds around the country are laughing hysterically. It is still weird to not be a part of that demo anymore. I didn't get the joke either. It was stranger than it should have been probably.

All right, I better get going, but stay tuned because I have a lot more I was planning to put in this post. I will do my best to get it up here ASAP.

I'm Getting Married!

2009-10-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's true. I will be marrying Chelsea Lane Campbell on January 7th, 2010.

I will probably post some wedding stuff here, but go here for all the info, including an introduction to both of us, FAQ's, and a blog.

Be sure to sign the guest book, post comments, and check back there for updates, pics, and videos.

I love you, Chelsea.

Just Because Other People Do Doesn't Mean I Can't

2009-08-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

So, I came to grips with this whole blogging thing when I realized that as long as I was trying to make it worth the few minutes friends and family spend here I was okay. I remembered through the comments that I am in charge of what I put on here, and that maybe I should just lighten up a little. Of course, school started today and I didn't write on this thing while I was on a break.

In the latest Twitter news, Michael Beasley was checked into rehab after taking a picture of his new back tattoo while forgetting to take the weed of the counter, and then posting suicidal thoughts on Twitter. I don't think it is a great idea for someone that high profile to have a Twitter or Facebook, because something like this is bound to happen sooner or later. It seems that fines in the big three sports have tripled since Twitter came about, and that all these athletes seem to think they are now on reality TV, but I am debating here whether Twitter actually helped Beasley in this case. Who knows what would have happened with the drugs as far as the league is concerned, but thanks to his very public thoughts on suicide he is now in a rehab clinic.

So there you go.

Just Because You Can, Doesn't Mean You Should

2009-08-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, nobody really blogs anymore, which leads to nobody commenting (no comments on this entire page), which leads again to no one blogging because nobody is reading them. I blame Twitter for all of this. Everyone is now getting their thoughts out too quickly, and there is nothing to write a more than 160 character message. I was on Twitter for like a week, but I'm sorry, I have a hard time not getting angry when someone thinks that where they are eating lunch is interesting information, or that I want to know how many hours of sleep they got, or that they aren't doing anything (but should be). At least with blogs the narcissism built up enough to hopefully create an interesting human experience when it was typed out.

I have often wondered if having a blog is a good thing for someone who likes to write. Sometimes energy that could be used for writing in my notebook is spent here instead, and maybe sometimes those thoughts and ideas should ferment before being shared. Not that it wouldn't be alright to use ideas in a story that have been blogged about before, but you would just be re-hashing old ideas, and I have noticed that when I write about something and it is read, those ideas leave my brain and no longer evolve. Maybe they should just be kept inside until the right time. After seeing the world of Twitter, I am seeing more clearly the merit of someone who doesn't say anything unless it's worth saying.

I was actually planning on this being a June and July recap, but I think I talked myself out of it.

Johnny X's May

2009-06-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

This is going to be lame. I only have a few minutes.

I am back in school, but don’t really feel like talking about it. I can sum it up with two words: Broken Air-Conditioning.

You know what bothers me? The phrase “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that.” Like when you tell people something about yourself and they say, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that.” I hate when people say this to me. I KNOW there is nothing wrong with it, that is why I am that way, or am doing whatever it is I am telling you about. When you say there is nothing wrong with it, you are implying that I need to be reassured that there is nothing wrong with it because there are plenty of people out there who think that there is something wrong with it, and really, most likely, you do think that there is something wrong with it, but are showing that you are an accepting person and don’t judge, so even though there is something wrong with it, you are still okay with it, but when you say that, you are doing the opposite, it seems to me. *Breath* Anyway, it’s annoying.

It it it.

Retro-quote: After the war, I was dateless again. That Viet Cong girl dumped me.
– Mr. Belding, Saved by the Bell

I thought this was pretty interesting. Gas Saving Prius? vs. BMW M3. Not what you drive necessarily, but how you drive.

Everybody Knew but Me

2009-05-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those nights where you lay in bed and you think about one time in your life? Just one. You think about what it means, and what you can or did learn from it? Maybe you didn’t learn anything from it; it just feels like you should have?

I was lying in the room I spent a good deal of growing up in the other night, and I don’t know where it came from, but I had a flashback to a night when I was sixteen. I was in my parent’s basement with a girl I knew from work named Annie. I had never had a girlfriend up to this point and I was really hoping that was going to happen with Annie.

You know Charlie in High Fidelity? Annie was kind of like my Charlie: the kind of girl I thought I wanted to meet (which, honestly, meant to a sixteen year old me that she was hot), and “she liked me, she liked me, she liked me…at least I think she did,” and in hindsight I can see that she was awful. If I had never heard that she thought I was cute, I would have never attempted to humiliate myself, by trying to go out with her, but, as it goes, she did think I was cute, and I did hear about it.

We started hanging out. We spent most of our time with her friends who were like her and were mostly rich preppies, dumb jocks, and cheerleaders. They listened to Limp Bizkit, and Kottenmouth Kings, and drove $60,000 cars their parents bought for them. I had nothing in common with them, and I hated hanging out with them. Eventually, I got her and a couple of her friends to come hang out with my friends. That didn’t quite work, either. Just about everyone in my life could see the kind people they were except me. The one time we hung out with my friends it ended with Annie’s friend, Jessica, crying, and her other friend yelling insults at everyone, and an awkward twenty minutes of me driving them home early.

Despite everyone asking me why I was hanging out with her, I plugged on hoping it would all be okay soon. I never did kiss her, though. I wussed out every night I hung out with her, which was probably my subconscious holding me back more than it was being a wimp. On the last night we hung out I walked her to her car and we just stood there having that awkward moment before a first kiss. I chickened out again and she got in her car. I finally got the balls and asked her to get out of her car for a second, which she wouldn’t do. She said we could do it later. Embarrassed, I said, “Okay, well, I am going to go inside and hang myself now.”

She told all her friends about me trying to get her out of the car, which led to me getting made fun of all day at work. I was too embarrassed to keep trying.

Anyway, the night I was thinking about was when the two of us were laying down in my room. Something was in the air, something heavy, and it could have been romance for all I knew, but I started spouting out some feelings. They had to do with fear mostly, I mean I was sixteen, seventeen, and soon high school would be over and I was getting on in years. I was afraid of the future and that was what I was telling her, and she had no idea what I was talking about. She didn’t understand how someone could be afraid. I didn’t know how to explain fear to her, and I felt a little silly, but mostly I felt confused. How could someone that age not feel at least a little fear? I began to realize that she was not really in touch with reality. Maybe she was too sheltered, or was ignoring it, but I felt kind of sorry for her. At least I knew what fear felt like. At least I knew it was something to be felt, and was real. And I know now that that particular fear has been conquered, and I know how much I have learned while doing it. I know now that since I have moved on to much bigger and scarier fears in my life, that it is necessary, and that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I wasn’t afraid of certain things. I know that if you are unable to feel fear then you probably aren’t able to feel a lot of the other things life is.

And life is a lot of things.

She got married about three years later. Her husband was an ex-boyfriend of hers at the time I was attempting to date her. I met him a couple of times and they are a match. I wonder how you can get married without a concept of what it is like to be afraid? Of course, now that I write that it seems like a lack of fear would make it pretty easy, and maybe that is better. But maybe it is like the back-up quarter-back syndrome where the first-string guy goes down and the back-up QB does an incredible job for the first few weeks because he doesn’t know how hard it is supposed to be…but it does eventually catch up to him.

I guess what I can get out of that night is that I am glad I am a person who feels. I am glad I have had ups and downs and know that I always will, that at times I will be afraid, but, at others, so happy I could pee. I am glad I don’t blissfully float through a naive life waiting for the human experience to catch up to me.

You Screw Up Two Little Words and Everything Changes

2009-05-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/05/15/iraq.oldest.soldier.dies/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

"A Vietnam War veteran killed in an Iraq roadside bombing this week has become the oldest American service member to be killed in both Iraq and Afghan combat, the Pentagon has confirmed."

I mean, you'd think after he died the first time he would have gone the hell home.

Brain Dead

2009-05-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a while. I have been trying to finish up the semester by writing two papers that were kicking my butt. I turned them in on Friday and then was out of town over the weekend.

I don’t really have an April summary other than: Waiting for Godot, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Pedro Páramo, The God of Small Things. Those were the books I was writing my papers on. If you want to read a great contemporary novel, read The God of Small Things, by Arundahti Roy. I think it is amazing. It was the last book we read in my global lit class. It was our reward for getting through the semester. I am no good at doing reviews, so, if you can, just trust me. I think Reena Jana from Salon.com said it best when she said Arundahti Roy is “butt-kicking good.” If you are into literature, read it. If you are the kind of person who doesn’t take suggestions just because they aren't your suggestions, then, if we see each other or you post a comment here, you don’t have to admit to hearing about it through me. You can lie and rub it in my face and say you were way ahead of me, and that you read it ten years ago if you want. I don’t care. Just read it.

I can’t think of anything else to say. School starts again a week from today. I think my brain really is taking this week off.

Johnny X's March 2009

2009-04-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

My Newest Book I Have to Wait Two Years to Read

A Devil on One Shoulder and an Angel on the Other: The Story of Shannon Hoon and Blind Melon

Favorite Email

Zach: I have a little snag in our plans for Thursday night. My calling is coaching the young men's basketball teams in my ward. It's region time and the priest team is doing very well and has a game Thursday night at 7 pm, semi finals. The games are an hour, or less. I can be at Cam's at 8. Don't let that stop you guys from going to dinner, or getting together earlier. I'll get there at 8 though. Thoughts?

Cam: My first thought is, Bummer. My second thought is, who the crap made you a basketball coach?

Zach: Jesus, Cam. Jesus.

Favorite Youtube Video: It's Just Like a Mini Mall

I often say that I work with some of the dumbest people in the country. I am not sure if people actually believe me, or if they take it as an exaggeration as I am blowing of steam, but it's true.

Exhibit A: I work for a company that does insurance inspections on homes. Some insurance companies require that the inspector take a photo of the number of the home to confirm the address, so that they know we saw the correct home.

We got a report in the other day where the inspector took a picture of the request the insurance company sent us. So, to confirm that the address was correct he took a picture of a piece of paper, and sent it in labelled "Address confirmation," which of course makes no sense at all. It doesn't confirm that he saw the right house, it just confirms that he could if he wanted to.

How can you possibly think that that is the right thing to do? That you are going to send this to the QC staff, and they will look at it be like "Yep. The number on the request he took a picture of didn't change when he printed it," and send the picture of your clipboard to the insurance company? Awesome. Quite professional.

I was going to post this picture, but I would have to black out most of it (name, address etc.), and it wouldn't be worth it.

A pet peeve of mine that has formed because of my job is the word barbecue being spelled BBQ, bar-b-que (seriously! What is that!), or barbeque.

Whenever an insured has a built-in BARBECUE we need to list that in the report, and the spelling needs to be changed 98% of the time, and it drove me nuts. This doesn't have much to do with my work now, but I could get a well-done (pardon the pun) report, but if they spelled barbecue wrong (which, like i said, was 98% of the time) I would be super upset, and was always sure to let the inspector know.

I don't know why it bothered me so much. It appears that I was the only one in the office correcting it, and that 4% of the English speaking population actually knows how to spell the stupid word. I have gotten emails back from underwriters with it spelled incorrectly, so obviously the people I was fixing it for didn't know the difference, and the pricing tool I am currently working with has it built-in as 'barbeque,' and I can't do anything about it.

Maybe I am just sensitive becuase I was going to get 100% on a spelling test in the fifth grade once, but I didn't, because I spelled barbecue with a 'q.'

Anyway, a friend recently told me to try Jim Beam sunflower seeds, which I did. Although, it gave me pause when I saw that they couldn't spell it either. It is much more offensive to me when you sell barbecue products (flavor, or grills) and don't know how to spell it. You should be able to spell your own product

Really. How did this word get a pass by everyone? How is it that it gets five different spellings when other words have one?

Piece of Lit

Then he heard the weeping. That was what woke him: a soft but penetrating weeping that because it was do delicate was able to slip through the mesh of sleep and reach the place where his fear lived. - Pedro Páramo, Jaun Rulfo

Six Hours of Driving and a Jazz Game

The Freshmaker

Being overly excited, but it's the people in the back that make this a keeper

Some Guy With Bagpipes

I had to pee so bad!

SO BORED

2009-03-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

. . .so it is time for another play by play post.

4:29 – Decide to write this post.

4:30 – Debate with myself if I should mention things like “Took a drink of water.” Still not sure, but, either way, I just took a drink of water.

4:31 – Received this IM from Cam explaining why we couldn’t IM each other this afternoon: I begged Bill to sabotage the system. So to play a joke on me he shut down my internet, that's what was wrong

4:35 – T.O. to Buffalo? Haha, that is going to be awesome to watch.

4:37 – This was earlier, but is noteworthy. I got this in one of the reports I was working on today: The insured was there, they let out the dog, the dog wents nuts, they got upset with me, and asked me to leave. Therefore I did not do a interview.

4:56 – You know what really bothers me? Lists that give you five or ten tips on something that is difficult. The idea behind these lists are good, but they hardly ever have any tips that actually help. Take this one I have in front of me that is Five Tips for Job Hunting during a Recession. The first tip is “Stay Positive.” Really? That is your number one? Number five is “Be Persistent.” So I shouldn’t give up? EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS THESE THINGS! It is like reading a dating tips list, and it tells you to “Be Nice.” Oh, okay. So, I should NOT headbutt them in the nose, tell them they are ugly and have an unpleasant smell, and then ask for a second date? Hmm, thank goodness they are getting the word out.

You don’t have any programs or websites or. . .SOMETHING that the lay person might not already know simply by the fact that they are alive? By the look of these shoddy lists, you need just as much help as the rest of us, but apparently writing shat that everyone already knows is recession proof.

5:06 – Calming down.

5:12 – Came home from my mission five years ago today. . .wow.

5:49 – Just asked my friend, Lacey, how Spain was, but she is in the Philippines. Whoops.

5:54 – Off to Harmons.

6:17 – Back. Some old Pennywise came on my ipod and I thought about when I went to California with my buddy Clay when I was fourteen. I could talk about this trip for a very long time, but I want to save it for later.
7:32 - Shuttin it down.

Sixty Cents for a HandiSnack? A Knock Off At That. Really?

2009-03-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

Johnny X's February

2009-03-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

“What is with the stop in the “stop, drop, and roll” bit? When I catch fire, the last thing I’m going to be doing is stopping.”

“Good point.”

“I tell you what, I am going to go ahead and skip the stop part, and just go straight to roll. Drop and roll, man. Or really, just roll. I mean, if you are going to roll, isn’t the dropping implied? You have to drop to roll, and I believe everyone can do the drop math when needing a roll. It’s a good thing we’ve never caught on fire before this.”

“It seems like I heard someone else talking about that the other day.”

“Probably."

“Did you watch Flight of the Conchords?”

“No, I don’t like it.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, it’s not like I don’t like it, I guess, or would like it, rather, but I just get so sick of listening to everybody talk about it that it makes me angry. Yes yes, you like it, everyone likes it, now shut-up about it.”

“You would like it.”

“Probably.”

“Well, I haven’t watched the new one yet, you should come over and see it. I know you’ll like it.”

“No.”

“Why do you not like stuff on the count of other people liking it?”

“It’s not that. It’s the fact that I could probably quote the entire series and I have never even seen an episode. I liked Napoleon Dynamite and Borat when we first saw them, but then all I heard for the next six months were awful impressions everywhere I went. There is a girl at my work who can’t even talk normal now because all she did was do Napoleon Dynamite impressions for a year, and now her voice is stuck, like how you weren’t supposed to make ugly faces when you were little because they would eventually just set.”

“Well, you’re missing out.”

“I’m sure I am. You know what I want to do? I want to find a good barber.”

“A barber?”

“Yeah. Go in, get a cut and a shave, and then he takes the razor to the back of the neck and gives you that powder stuff. I have only been to a barber once, and it was awesome.”

“Hey, that kid kind of looks like that Diggable Dave guy?”

“Who?”

“That guy. Right there.”

“Oh. I never met Diggable Dave.”

“You don’t remember Diggable Dave?”

“I remember him, I just never met him. That was before I got home.”

“When Rob and I first got home, we went to his house to play Ping-Pong. I was pretty confident going in, but then I noticed he had to change into his Ping-Pong shoes; I then refused to play.”

###

Favorite Onion News Ticker: MARINE BIOLOGISTS DISAPPOINTED AFTER DISCOVERY THAT THE NEW SPECIES OF 8-ARMED DOLPHINS IS JUST AN OCTUPUS

February YouTube Vid: You know when he falls apart/he listens in the dark/to the records turn/I'll never learn

Favorite Piece of Literature: She was alone and still, gazing out to sea; and when she felt his presence and the worship of his eyes her eyes turned to him in quiet sufference of his gaze, without shame or wantonness. Long, long she suffered his gaze and then quietly withdrew her eyes from his and bent towards the stream, gently stirring the water with her foot hither and thither. The first faint noise of gently moving water broke the silence, low and faint and whispering, faint as bells of sleep; hither and thither, hither and thither: and a faint flame trembled on her cheek.

—Heavenly God! cried Stephen's soul, in an outburts of profane joy.

He turned away from her suddenly and set off across the strand. His cheeks were aflame; his body was aglow; his limbs were trembling. On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him.
Her image had passed into his soul for ever and no word had broken the holy silence of his ecstasy. Her eyes had called him and his soul leaped at the call. To live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to recreate life out of life! A wild angel had appeared to him, the angel of mortal youth and beauty, an envoy from the fair courts of life, to throw open before him an instant of ecstasy the gates of all the ways of error and glory. On and on and on and on. - Portait of the Artist as a Young Man, James Joyce

Mostly Cloudy

2009-01-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

He couldn't think on cloudy days. His thoughts needed room and the clouds smothered them. They needed to at least reach the sky; he didn't know where the sky began, but he was sure it was somewhere above those clouds.

The man turned around, walked home, and thought small.

A Weird Thing Happened to Me Today

2009-01-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

I was walking to class and went to enter the doors to the OSH building. They were glass doors and there was an older couple next to them with their backs to me.

As I went to open the doors I found they were locked, and at that moment the couple started walking away. The guy turned around, and I was hoping he was going to open the door for me with a very simple push. He stopped, we made eye contact, and then he kept on walking.

On Turning Twenty-Six

2009-01-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

This year was—good. The reason I pause before my good declaration is because this was a year of extremes. “Aren’t they all?” Well, no, not really, at least at this stage in my life. It is a weird time; it’s a time that you can’t really understand unless you are in it or have gone through it. “Yeah, one of those things we all go through.” Umm, not at all actually, especially in this culture, it seems like the majority of people don’t go through this.

We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being left alone for the rest of their lives at twenty-six; we were of that disposition. - Rob, High Fidelity

The mid-twenties in the Mormon culture are freaking weird. All my best friends, save one, are married and have been for quite some time. Watching each one get married sucked. I am sure I have never said that to them before, but their weddings sucked. I don’t mean that they weren’t wonderful and beautiful and that I wasn’t happy for them, but seeing a best friend get married while all you can do is stand there and watch everything change, except yourself, is a bit depressing. As I watched each one get married I knew that that would not be me for a very long time. I wasn’t ready to be married, nor did I want to be, and you would think that knowing that about yourself would be comforting. It’s not. All knowing that does for me is confirm that I have been left behind, and no matter how many times someone tries to make me feel better by saying people move at different speeds, and that timing is different for everyone, it will always just make me feel worse. It just conveys to me that I am slow, and somewhere along the line my progress has been retarded.

I’m not moping, I am just trying to explain why this time in my life is weird. Hmm. . . I was going to say that one reason it is weird is because in the rest of the country not being married at 26 would not be weird at all. I was going to say that I am in a rare circumstance where not being married by now causes all sorts of anxiety and pressure, mostly applied by other people, but I just read an article in USA Today that said the average age to be married in the U.S. is 26 for women and 27 for men. I thought it was more like 31 or something like that, so maybe it’s not as weird as I thought, but I still maintain that not being married by now in most circumstances would not cause as much of the aforementioned anxiety and pressure. Also, I would think that the average age for a female Mormon to get married is much much lower, which always brings the thought that if I go on like this for a few more years I may be looking at either insta-family or marrying a ninteen year old, and nineteen year olds bug the bejeebus out of me.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this subject, and maybe I should so all of you who got married at twenty-two get a better feel for what it is like and stop asking all of us late-bloomers what is wrong with us every time a relationship fails, or whenever we don’t want to go on a second date, but I won’t, because I need to get on with the post because I am forgetting what the point to this was supposed to be.

Oh yeah, year of extremes. Since all my friends have been married, and good times are fewer and further between, there haven’t been as many peaks and valleys in my life. I have felt more like I have been flat-lining somewhere in the middle of the Rockies and Appalachians. It hasn’t been all bad, sometimes the line was cruising along higher than others, but there were just no really great times or really bad times, and it didn’t really feel like living. This past year, however, started with a gigantic spike downward on my twenty-fifth birthday. A relationship failed that day and sped toward rock bottom at terminal velocity (remember that Charlie Sheen movie?). The reason this particular dumping was so difficult was because along with the end of the relationship came loads and loads of embarrassment. Embarrassment because of why it ended, and because so many people in my life and her life thought we were making a mistake; we assured them we weren’t and kept on going. Well, turns out we were and I proved everyone right and felt like an idiot. Of course, in hindsight what I did wasn’t really embarrassing, I was just coming to a realization, and it was actually great. Bloody wonderful, really. At the time, though, I would have none of that positive talk, or any talk really. I locked myself up in my room. I didn’t return phone calls, texts, emails; all I did was listen to ESPN radio because it was the only thing that didn’t really make me feel.

Even after I bounced my ceiling wasn’t very high at all. I just kind of vibrated between rock bottom and ceiling for a couple months. I started talking, but not about anything important. I started listening to music, but only a few certain songs by a few certain artists. Eventually, much to my chagrin at the time, I had a breakthrough. I was driving down 27th South listening to Avail when I first felt entirely okay. The song was Simple Song. It was as perfect for me at that time as it could be without actually writing it myself. I realized I was still capable of feeling good, and that kicked me out of my funk. That was a good day.

The first day of school was today (13th). While not the best way I can think of spending my birthday, it is pretty fitting. I moved around a bit the past year and a half or so, and haven’t been in school because I didn’t know exactly where I was going to be. Then I had some trouble getting going at the U, and missed another semester. This past summer, I finally got back in school, and it's good to be back. I started my third semester at the University of Utah on my twenty-sixth birthday, and it is a reminder that I am not where I was a year ago, and, in this case, that is a comforting thought.

There were a couple of funerals in the family this year, both coming much sooner than they should have, but the actual services get counted among my high points of 2008. They were both very life assuring and uplifting, and made me think about the quality of my own life and how I am responsible for it being good or bad, there is no fault to be slung around if it is bad, and I thought about the impact it had on others when it was good. I count those two days as good days.

After the funeral of Grant, my father’s cousin, I went to lunch with my family. With the exception of my sister’s baby boy (and the restaurant employees who swarmed around my nephew) it was just a meal with my immediate family, something that I don’t think has happened since I was in fifth grade. Outside of what it was, it wasn’t particularly special; we talked about football, about my brother’s new job, and my family found out I like sushi. It was lunch at a place called Crazy Jim’s, and it was special to me.

I want a family of my own someday. I do. I think 2008 really helped solidify that desire; I don’t want it right now, per se; I want to do a good job, but that is something I am moving towards. I heard about an online service the other day called Ashley Madison. It is a dating service that is supposed help married people cheat on their spouse anonymously. I guess in the seven years it has existed none of their customers have been caught, and there have even been marriages that have come as a result of it; the ass said that as if there were no irony in that statement. I hear about things like this and I think of my own family and how sacred all those relationships are to me and how every time we all get together for a birthday or a holiday I am reminded and at how full life can be, being single sometimes I can forget. I’ll never forget how dark I felt while listening to that interview, or how sad I was that so many people are eager to screw with their families while saying that they are doing it for “the sake of the marriage,” or that Darwin made them do it. I will always remember, though, how it made me so sure about what I wanted for my life and the people in it.

As I turn twenty-six, I am in a relationship with an intensely wonderful person. Spending time with her is like walking the cobblestone streets in one of those venerable classic towns feeling timeless and welcome. I really wish I could see her today.

So, until next time. I am going to start off my twenty-seventh year phones in, making my way through the rest of my beloved winter. I think I will start with Serenity, by the Bouncing Souls. After that, we’ll see.

Go Eagles.

Go Utes!

2009-01-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

It is when the U beats BYU 48-24 that this kind of thing doesn't bother me.

Photo taken in a grocery store in Tooele.

In Case You Were Interested 2

2008-11-25T17:58:00.000-08:00

I have had a lot to say lately, I just haven't had the time to say it. Going back and writing all the stuff that I previously had to say is very daunting, so you will just have to settle for new stuff.

I have been hyper-observant all day. That may not be the correct term because it is not like I have been noticing tons of things that I wouldn't notice when I wasn't being hyper-whatever-the correct-term-would-be-if-observant-isn't-the-correct-word; it's more like the things noticed have meaning, or more meaning depending on what they were.

It didn't start when I saw the girl microwaving bacon this morning. It didn't start there, but I think that is what primed me for it. I went into the break room to fill my mug up with hot water and saw one of my co-workers microwaving bacon on what I think was a single layer of paper towel. The grease was exploding and causing an obnoxious ruckus. She opened the microwave and muttered something. This something, I believe, was supposed to communicate to me that she was confused as to why everything was so loud (her thinking I didn't know what she was cooking), but really conveyed to me that she was embarrassed that I had walked in on her boisterous disgusting act and was feigning confusion as an excuse to stop the microwave and wait until I had left to continue permanently ruining the microwave (I had pizza rolls today cooked in that microwave—no bueno). She didn't have a plate; she took the greasy crap to her desk to eat in paper towels (where she found the paper towels I have no idea; they somehow elude me), and I can only imagine what her desk looked like when she picked them up to throw away. You know when Willow hit the troll with the wand and it starts to turn into the two headed dragon? Of course you do, but in case you need to be reminded here it is. Her mass of nuked pig looked kind of like that. I told whomever was online what I had witnessed, and my mind was prepped for noticing other things throughout the day.

Before we move on can we take a look at this clip from Willow? It is so freaking awesome.

How awesome is:
The music, especially during "Can you ride? Let's ride!" part?
The catapult part?
Madmartigan and his troll kick?

I love:
Madmartigan's face when he turns around and sees the dragon for the first time.
How everything the skull faced guy says throughout the entire move is shouted. "Destroy the Beast! Find the Baby!"
When Madmartigan realizes he is standing with the bad guys

Why:
Does the dragon's head explode?
Do trolls sound like steam whistles?
Is there a talking goat? What!? You need to watch Willow! Now! You think I'm joking?!

Great Lines:

"Go in the direction the bird is flying!"
"He's going back to village!"
"Ignore the bird. Follow the river."

Madmartigan: "I love you, Sorsha?" I don't love her. She kicked me in the face.

Favorite line when I was little:

"We stole the baby from you, Daikini, while you were taking a pee-pee!"

Moving on: It started when I realized I didn't have a pen for class. Me. Not having a pen. I have no excuses. I don't know what happened. I am a wonder when it comes to writing instruments. It is not uncommon for me to lose a pen a day for seven days in a row, and have been known to lose upwards of three in an 8 hour period. Where they go and what they have going with the paper towels is a bloody mystery. I usually just buy a couple large packs of Bics and pour them into my backpack. Unfortunately, my backpack, along with my spare pens, had been stolen (part of the old stuff) and so I had no pen stash to fall back on.

I eyed the floor as I walked to class hoping to capitalize on someone's loss. Unfortunately again for me, nobody had lost and I walked into class naked. . .no, the reason I did not have a pen was not because I wasn't wearing pants. I had pants on, I mean I felt naked because I always have a pen in the left pocket of my current waistwear. So, I walked into class feeling as though I was naked still searching the aisles of the stadium seating. I took my usual seat, third row, left aisle, and looked at the floor around me—no pen, but I did find a torn piece of blue paper, a AA battery and a Junior Mint. That is when I started thinking of story ideas about finding things you aren't looking for and thought of a line and went to write it down in my notebook I keep in my left rear pocket and reached for a pen. . .Seriously? Did I just look in my pocket for a pen. Yes, I did. I sat back hoping I would remember the line (which I have forgot) reached in my bag and pulled out Carver and began to read the story "What do you do in San Franciso?" After I read the line "That was Saturday, as I said, the day before Memorial Day," I realized I must pee.

I stood up and left while taking advantage of my trip to the men's room scouring the floor for pens. With the rush of writing ideas, and with the few pages I read of Carver, my mind was attaching stories to almost everything I saw. A seated woman dropped a paper right in front me and I picked it up and handed it to her in stride and wondered what I would have done if she had dropped a pen, and then thought about saying, "Hey, since I did you this favor you should lend me a pen."

I walked into the bathroom and saw a kid spiking his very long black hair straight up, and as I settled into my chosen urinal I noticed the kid next to me was texting with his left hand. Couldn't wait 20 seconds, huh? Have to text mid-stream? What if he dropped it in the urinal? That would be awesome, that's what.

As I walked back I coveted a pen that someone had laid down while he was reading. Could I get it? I walked by two offices hoping to notice someone away from their desk. No luck. In the second office, Student Government, I saw a pen cup FULL of sprouting eager pens. Look at them in there with their orgy of pens and happy-go-lucky attitudes. I thought I could just go in there and start writing in my book vigorously and then pretend to put the pen back and walk out with it; a plan that was sure to work except I kept walking while thinking about it and ended up back in third row, left aisle penless.

I lucked out, though. The only thing during class that came close to really needing to be written down was a thought that I should title a previously written story "Aubade x4," but then decided that it was astonishingly awful and decided against it. Of course, what needed to be forgotten is now recollected.

Ugh

2008-11-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

I just now, just this second, heard someone complaining about winter because "(They) have no clothes for snow." I understand we can't all love winter as much as I do, but if your beef with it is because you have no clothes fit for snow, then that's a you problem. I know you have lived here for at least a few years but I am guessing you have been here all your life, YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO GETTING SOME WINTER APPAREL! Winter comes at the same time every year, you know.

That being said, it is really coming down outside and I am very happy.

WTD?! (What the Dump)

2008-10-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

People pick the oddest things to care about sometimes. The building that shares a parking lot with my office fenced in their dumpster today. Why? I really really want to know why. I imagine some people in my building put stuff in that dumpster from time to time instead of going around back to use ours, but so what? I have been here for five years and have never seen it so full the lids wouldn't shut all the way, and Salt Lake County's finest are eating across the street at Crown Burger EVERY NIGHT till it closes and park right next to the dumpster, so I am doubting bums are sleeping in there. (Let me say again, EVERY NIGHT and EVERY LUNCH. I imagine they aren't the same cops every time or else they would be dead, but still, I have yet to see one that looks in shape. Also, WTD is up with all these fat cops? Isn't being in shape part of your job?)

So other people may use your dumpster from time to time. Is the waste company charging you per pound now? Does this change your life in any way? Putting a fence around a dumpster is not going to affect you at all. It is going to affect the guy who now has to get out of his truck to unlock and lock the stupid thing. And I bet normally you are just a joy to be around.

In Case You Were Interested 1

2008-10-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

I see the Unicycle Kid every Tuesday after class. The Unicycle Kid bothers me.

Other than feet there are two main modes of transportation on campus: the bike and the skateboard. Why would the UK choose the unicycle to get around campus? The answer, of course, is to show everyone that he can ride a unicycle. There really is no other practical reason. It’s definitely not as convenient as the two wheeled version, especially since the campus is set on a slope, there are no handle bars for weaving through pedestrians, no brakes, no gears. And if you are going for image, the image is uber-dorkiness, which last time I checked is not something to be desired. What does someone who rides a unicycle during the week do on the weekends?

First Problem—If there really was something to check, and it wasn’t just a saying, I’m sure I would want it burned immediately because I would think that if someone did do something that didn’t check out on that list, I would say that is all the more reason to do whatever they were doing. But what the UK is teaching me is that I would say that as long as I agreed with what that person was doing. If I didn’t agree, I would use said list to prove my point. I don’t want to be that person. I think people should do what they like, but he shows me that I have exceptions, and that ticks me off.

There are right and wrong reasons to do certain things. Right reasons to ride a skateboard around campus: it’s fun, relaxing between classes, helps you feel more confident. Being that there are so many skateboarders on campus they are all kind of lumped in together, and unless you know one specifically it would be hard to tell why they ride around campus on a skateboard. There is no way to tell, so they get the benefit of the doubt and don’t get scrutinized. However, since the UK is not part of some mainstream grouping he pisses me off. What? Now that one really doesn’t sound like me.

Ever since my little stint in eighth grade where I tried to be a cool kid (which may be a topic for another time) I have, for a large part, believed that the majority is usually wrong. “But that’s un-American,” someone says. Is it? When Good Luck Chuck comes out in the theaters and makes four billion dollars, I know I shouldn’t see it. (How many What Happens in Vegas’s need to be released before people stop going to see them?! You know why there is hardly ever anything good in the theater? It is because we don’t support good movies. Movie makers don’t have to try any more because they make millions of dollars remaking the same BS over and over again as long as they put Jessica Alba and Matthew McConaughey in it. And because of our continual support of this kind of entertainment we are slowly retarding ourselves. Soon the only movies coming out will be an infinite amount of films entitled “Ow, my balls!"* where people just get hit in the nuts over and over again while bare-chested girls jump up and down and celebrate. Yes, I chuckled when I saw that Japanese game show where the contestants have to say a tongue twister and if they mess up they get whacked in the balls, but the reason that is funny is because it shows a complete lack of standards. I have heard very stupid people say that that is what's wrong with America; we don’t have game shows where people get wiener smacked for answering a question wrong. No, you idiot, that is what is right with America. There are still standards. Those game shows are cautionary tales, not something to strive for. But it seems that these standards are starting to slip away. For example, we now have Hole in the Wall, an asinine game show we imported to this country because we are all getting dumber. If all we support is crap, all we will be left with in the end is crap because people will know they can get rich by making crap. Stop it! While I’m here, do you think Ashton Kutcher or Brad Pitt would be where they are today if they looked like Paul Giamatti or Philip Seymour Hoffman? Do we really believe that Jessica Alba is in every single movie since 2003 because she is a good actress? Come on, people. Let’s do better, huh? (I apologize for this extra long parenthetical rant. Moving on)). Whenever I drive by a book store where six-hundred people are standing in the streets dressed as draculas waiting for a midnight copy of Stephanie Meyer, I know I shouldn’t read it (I am assuming you can imagine a similar rant here). The point is (as I am sure you have forgotten) is that when it comes to certain things the majority is almost always wrong. The cool kids may be a small elite group, but the majority accepts the fact that they are the cool kids. ANYWAY, ever since my little stint in eighth grade where I tried to be a cool kid (which may be a topic for another time) I have, for a large. . .dangit! Let’s see. . oh yeah, why am I looking down on the UK for not being part of an accepted group and because I can single him out? How come he doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt?

Riding a unicycle around the university campus just screams, “Look at me!” which we all know is annoying. I guess you could argue that a blog, Facebook, Myspace etc. are all performing the same type of function. I hope a large part of my blog is “read and share with me,” but just about everyone who has a blog would have to admit the majority of it is still “look at me and care about what I have to say.” How much of what we do is so people will look at us? My guess would be somewhere around the area of a lot, and is having people notice you and care about what you do or say a bad thing really? I can’t say that I care about the UK, but I did have to write a post about him and can any human really judge anyone for wanting to be noticed?

See, I don’t want to think these thoughts; I just want to be annoyed that some kid rides around campus on a unicycle, but he has somehow made that very difficult. I hate crossing paths with this unitard because seeing him makes me look at myself, and I don’t like having to do that once a week. You smug one-wheeled tart.

*Watch Idiocracy

P.S. The UK reminds me of the Tight Rope Kid. While living in the Marriot Library at SUU I would observe the TRK as he practiced walking a tight rope between two trees. I just have a hard time understanding spending that much time working on an activity where even if you became the best in the world you would still just be a carnie.

In Case You Were Interested

2008-10-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

The last few times I have tried to post something on here it turns into a super long random rant. I try to keep posts on here pretty short, and when I write things that just keep on going and going I never put them on here. I thought that if I just made a segment where stuff like that happened I could give it its own title and then people would know if they want to spend the time reading the long randomness or not.

And so, for your reading pleasure (maybe) I introduce In Case You Were Interested.

For What it's Worth

2008-09-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

The video mentioned from the cabin trip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1NyyLo55EQ

A Conversation Overheard at Harmon’s Between Mother and Son That Reminded Me of High School

2008-09-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

“Why can’t I go?”

“Because it is going to be packed in the mini-van. There will be no room with everyone. Plus, you need to stay in school, anyway.”

“Nuh-uh. Guess who's getting straight A’s?” The mother held up her hand and they high fived. “Awesome!” she said.

“Not! I’m failing foods.”

“How can you fail foods!”

They Grow Up So Fast

2008-09-19T18:02:00.001-07:00

The Skookumish Cabin McCabin Trip

2008-09-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

I had a video here of Rob busting his bumper off, but it froze my computer every time I tried to play it.

Almost everyone

Ryan explaining the difference between onesies and footsie pajamas

Sorens

Answer: Articulation. Question: Rob's Favorite Word.

Yup.

Remember Bomberman from when you were little? It's still awesome.

Brett and Boston

Getting ready to pitch to the Babe

Zach and Marjorie

Too Good to Be True?

2008-09-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yes. The show was cancelled. I'm depressed.

09/16/08 - 09/17/08

2008-09-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

. . .and even though the times have changed that spirit/I still feel it/it carries on/and even though your life has changed that spirit/ you still feel it/ it carries on/ it carries on in every song

All the bands we love the most/all the songs that give us hope/reasons we're still here today/people change/but the songs remain

Tonight is the first of two Rancid shows in Salt Lake. This concert, although it has not yet happened, is already in my Top Five.

H2O, who has just come out with their first record in seven years and who I have not seen live since I was eighteen (yes, seven years), is touring with Rancid. That last H2O concert is also in my top five. It was one of the last concerts I saw with Punk Rock Kid Tolley before he left for New York and I left for Santiago. He is not able to attend tonight because he decided to be a chump and move to California. Yep, I called you a chump. What are you going to do about it, sissy?

It was announced a couple of weeks ago that Less Than Jake will also be playing this show. LTJ on the first night and H2O the second. When I first saw that LTJ was playing I was pretty sure it was a typo because LTJ was just here with Goldfinger two weeks before, and they had a show in Canada scheduled the night before. I am glad they are coming back because they played at the Murray Theater last time where someone is eventually going to die of heat exhaustion, because they don't have air conditioning, and the crowd was just weird.

The best of Punk, NYHC, and Gainseville Rock in two nights. Holy crap, I'm excited. More posting to follow.

A NO HITTER!

2008-09-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

First game back from rotator cuff surgery Zambrano throws a no hitter against the Astros.

I don't have much time and this is the best video I could find. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvFuBnDd-5s

Go Cubs!

So, I Think it is Time to Return

2008-09-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

I think it is time to return to my narcissistic ways and start the ol blog up again. I actually went to start it when school began, but my ideas for the first post back were too extravagant. I had pictured slide shows and music and pictures of all the things that happened to me during the hiatus, but I don't know how to do most of those things and the two weeks that have passed since I decided to start this up again have taught me that I'm not going to learn, so I might as well just start it back up again.

I still would like to think of something better to come back with so think of this as the soft re-opening. The grand re-opening will be soon.

I Am Not Back

2008-07-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

I just want to say real quick that if I get one freaking Jib-Jab video sent to me this campaign season (or ever again) I am going to fire bomb whoever sent it to me.

Just stop it.

Hiatus - Getting Lost

2008-06-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

Hi. I am going to be taking an extended break from this blog. I will be back in a while. I didn't want to post just that, so I thought maybe I would leave you with a quick b-side. See ya later, and don't forget to get your Rancid/H2o tickets.

"Hey Russ, I watched Crossroads last night."

"Did you like it?"

"Yeah, it was pretty cool."

"The question is would you sell your soul to play like that?"

"Nah, punk rock. Not super necessary," I laughed.

"True. What about you, Daniel? Would you sell your soul to be the greatest musician ever?"

"That would depend," Daniel said.

"On what?"

"On if God existed. If so, I would be afraid to sell God's property; if not, I would have to think about it."

"But there would be a devil," Russ said, "so wouldn't that mean there would be a god?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe we should listen to more Heavy Metal," I said.

My Favorite Recent Text

2008-06-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

Zach: I can't decide what I hate worse, Taco Time or Arctic Circle commercials.

Tiger Army

2008-06-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

That was supposed to say Tiger Army.

As the grey sky opens my heart sings

I carry a torch as the New Year rings

And I still feel the same after all this time

A future of past on my mind

Tonight I remember what it was like

To hear the rain's song when you were mine

Now here in this silence my heart dies

Saved by the roar of a broken sky

My phone tried.

Three-Day Weekend

2008-05-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

He looks. He notices how beautiful the rain is making everything. He listens. He wonders why the noise is so pretty. He sits. He is comfortably cold.

He notices through closed eyes it is getting brighter. He sees the sun. He hears doors open and close as people exit them. He sees children in boots and shorts jumping in puddles. He reminisces. He watches with sadness as the concrete goes dry. He observes that the drier the concrete, the louder the world. He hears the conversations of his neighbors as they invade where he has spent his morning. He asks himself if they wish they would’ve got their work done on Saturday so that they could enjoy the rain today. He thinks it makes them antsy because it is stalling their day. He has nowhere to be. He enjoys rain. He doesn’t know if that makes him happier than they are. He wonders if it makes him sadder. He hears the motor of a lawn trimmer as it slits the air with violent vulgarity. He thinks of ‘V’ words. He wants them (the people and their sonance, not ‘V’ words) to go away, and selfishly wishes for rain.

He sees it grow dark again. He smiles as doors open and close as people enter them. He stops hearing the offensive noises of the afternoon. He is able to listen again. He thinks he knows why it’s so pretty. He wonders what he would choose given one wish. He decides on a girl. He doesn’t know which one, cause there are a few. He falls asleep wishing he knew.

Race

2008-05-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

At my desk:

CW: I am going to move some stuff.

Me: Yeah, I got some garbage on my desk because the Mexicans (who clean our building) forgot to empty my garbage and I keep forgetting to do it.

CW: That's so rude, Jeremy.

I was rude because I referred to Mexicans as being Mexican. I asked if said co-worker was in Mexico and was referred to as American if it would be offensive. The answer was yes. Really? Never travel outside of the country then. I spent two years in Chile on a mission for my church and was referred to as American every day. Why? That was the only thing they knew about me! Was it offensive? No. Maybe if I was Canadian. Seriously, you think the word 'Mexican' defines that person? You don't think they are little more complex than that?

By the way, the fact that you think the word Mexican is rude makes you the racist, not me. If they were Canadian and I had said, "The Canadians forgot to empty my trash," you wouldn't have blinked because Canadian doesn't hold a negative connotation, but to you Mexican does. You are the one who judged because of race.

I can't stand these people who will only use certain terms in a sort of half whisper because they are afraid of offending people. Guess what? By doing that you are being offensive! You are treating people differently because of where they are from or the color of their skin. Do you think these people, whatever race, want to treated as a half whisper? I am guessing they would like to be treated like a human being, and would like you to be able to say, "You are from Mexico," or Paraguay, or Japan, or Ireland comfortably and normally without your ass cheeks tightening up. You are the people that are marginalizing those who are different than you. Just because someone is different doesn't mean you should pretend that they're not. You people are the problem.

It's these kind of knobs who walk around saying, "We should all be color blind when it comes to race." No we shouldn't! That is idiotic. If we were all color blind and all saw the same bland neutral color we wouldn't have all the cool international festivals, and the thousands of different kinds of restaurants. Culture is a good thing. We are LUCKY to live in the country we live in. For real, go to Chile, or Peru, or Wyoming, or any other place where you see a person of a different culture once a month. It can get kind of boring.

I also spent the two years getting screamed at, rocks thrown at me, attacked, and sworn at (in English most of the time, because of the movies everyone in the world knows English swear words, but I got my Chilean curses down pretty well too) NOT because of my religion, but because of my nationality. I know how it feels to be treated only on the basis of where you come from, and not because of who you are. I also know what it feels like to sit in a room with uncomfortable people because we were different and they were afraid to offend, or be treated like children because they thought we needed coddling because of our race, and it is offensive. I would rather be around people I can be comfortable with, and doesn't everybody? And sure, with the people we got along with there were some jokes about Americans and we could respond with Chilean jokes and it was good times. Great times. We became close because of our differences and we were comfortable with them. If anyone should know how to do this, it is Americans. The people I was referring to ARE Americans, and I am not going to pretend they are from Norway like me, and I am not going to pretend I am from somewhere else, either. Honestly, if you were in a different country which type of person would you rather hang out with?

Who is the ingorant one here, and who needs to maybe sit back and take a look at how they view the world?

Concert and New Album

2008-05-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

Sailing on a silver ship
Out to the open
Lonely and realizing that our friendship's been broken
And a funny thing to me is how quickly it slips away
And leaves you longing for the things
That were never spoken

And you know loving me is not enough
And I know future is as future does

10K

2008-04-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

The Cubs picked up there 10,000th win last in night against The Rockies. The only other team that has 10,000 wins is The Giants.

It's good to see people picking up the slack with Soriano out. That makes six straight. Let's keep it up.

My AL pick, The Indians aren't doing so hot. Which doesn't bother me all that much being a Twins fan, but I am surprised they are doing so horribly. The Twins though are in second (and one game under .500) in arguably the toughest division in baseball which is also surprising. I didn't have a lot hope for them this season, but maybe I should start giving my mistress team a little more credit

Lunch Break

2008-04-23T14:06:00.001-07:00

At my work we are required to take a thirty minute lunch. I ate at my desk today, so now I have to clock out for a half-hour (Is there supposed to be a dash there? I suck at pretty much all punctuation) and I don't know what to do. Actually, I have been sitting here for like 15 minutes trying to figure out what to do for the break. I finally clocked out and decided to write a post, but usually these random ones are kinda dumb. Oh well.

Let's hit shuffle on the ol ipod shall we?

#1 Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song) - Incubus

Okay, this is probably my favorite Incubus song. S.C.I.E.N.C.E. is easily my favorite Incubus album. I actually don't really like anything after it. I have Make Yourself, but that is as far as I go with the Incubus. Not that the newer stuff is bad, I am just 'meh' on it. My apologies to at least two people I know who read this.

#2 Rudie Can't Fail - The Clash

On the route of the 19 bus!

Sometimes I wish my friend Tolley and I were born fifteen years earlier than we were.

Do You Still Hate Me - Jawbreaker

A Johnny X top five band.

Been hearing about you.
All about your disapproval.
Still I remember the way I used to move you.
I wrote you a letter.
I heard it just upset you.
Why don't you tell me?
How can I do this better?
Are you out there?
Do you hear me?
Can I call you?
Do you still hate me?
Are we talking?
Are we fighting?
Is it over?
Are we writing?
We're getting older.
But we're acting younger.
We should be smarter.
It seems we're getting dumber.
I have a picture of you and me in Brooklyn.
On a porch, it was raining.
Hey, I remember that day.
And I miss you.

So simple and true.

Bullet with Butterfly Wings - The Smashing Pumpkins

I don't know why I remember this, but I remember the first time I ever heard this song. When I was younger I kept our old family stereo in my bed, and when bed time would come I would turn the radio on and fall asleep that way. I woke up like at two or three in the morning once and this song was playing but I didn't know what it was called. Now, I also have a memory of going to school the next day and Cam asking me if I heard the new Smashing Pumpkins song, but I am not sure if that second part really happened. I might just think that because the Pumpkins always remind me of him.

All Good Things Come to an End - Nelly Furtado

Hmm. . .explanation: My friend Lacey who is awesomely awesome and a graphic designer made a CD called Winter Nights for the South SL crew a.k.a The 651's. We all picked two chill songs we wanted on the CD and and she made up the cover and the case and then we had the CD release party at her cabin. Like I said, awesomely awesome.

Yes, that is Will Ferrell laying on a polar bear rug on the cover. Also, the shirt I am wearing says Tampax. That is also courtesy of Lacey. Hooray tampons.

Anyway, we had a Winter Nights B-side as well (Rob is showing both in the middle of the pic), with songs people picked but were too long or weren't sure what to put on etc. This Nelly Furtado song was a B-side picked by Robby. I do like this song, and I do dig a good chunk of this Nelly Furtado album, but I can't listen to it. You see, when Rob bought this album and me and him would drive through the crowded parking lots of Sugarhouse he would crank the music up, roll down the windows, and start dancing and clapping his loud clap to make sure everyone would look at the two dudes in the Rover, one dancing around like a boner, and the other slid as far down in his seat as he could be. He would do this mostly because he knows I hate awkwardness and he gets a kick out of embarrassing me. And he would do this little head nod and tell me every time how he is pretty sure she does that head nod in the video, and I would get so mad at him and he would be tickled. So, now whenever I hear Nelly Furtado I picture Rob clapping and sliding his head from side to side and I get pissed off, thus, no Nelly Furtado for me.

Back to work.

Time Again

2008-04-22T12:23:00.001-07:00

Of Mirrors, Phones, and Hobos

2008-04-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

Last night was the Bouncing Souls concert. As always, it was a blast. The night also provided a few additional entertaining moments.

I witnessed one of the dumbest things I have ever seen with my own two eyes last night. I showed up about halfway through the last opening act's set. At Club Sound you walk in the door into a little hallway for eight or so feet and then you reach the floor. Ten feet to the left is a wall that is all mirrors. I went and sat in the corner about 3 feet away from the mirror wall until the band finished. While I was sitting there a guy walked passed me and smacked right into the mirror not realizing it was mirror thinking it was an extension of the building. How awesome is that? He quickly turned around and walked away feeling like a total tool, I'm sure.

While trying not to laugh directly at him a few thoughts went through my head:

Was he just playing chicken with the other guy that was walking right at him?

That must be really weird to smack right into an invisible wall. The split second after must be so bloody confusing.

That had to hurt. I mean when running into something totally unprepared your nose would be the first thing to hit, right? That can't feel good.

I wonder if he will ever tell anyone he knows about that, ever.

That was really funny.

During the concert I felt something under my feet. I stepped on it a few times testing out what it could be because it didn't feel like a cup or a water bottle or something that usually gets trampled. I hip checked the people around me to make room for me to kneel down and get and I found a phone. I held it up shouting, "Whose phone is this?" Nobody claimed it. A kid behind me said, "Hey, free phone." Then a girl next to me said, "Let me see." I handed it to her and she said she'd take it, to which I responded, "I'll take it," and put it in my pocket.

I looked at it when I got outside and it had a text from a kid named Jesse saying, "Will I c u 2 night." 2 night. I hate that.

I text him back saying I didn't know whose phone this was but to have somebody who was at the concert call me. He didn't get it, so I called him. He was still expecting to hear a girl voice on the phone.

"Hey, I don't know whose phone this is. I found it on the ground and am trying to find whose it is."

"A little Asian girl named (I don't remember)."

"Was anyone with her that could call me and get the phone?"

"Hold on."

"Okay."

"I'll just call you back."

I walked to my truck and started listening to how the Jazz lost until she called me, but knowing that it was really a good thing because that means we will play the Rockets instead of the Spurs in round one.

"Hello?"

"You have my phone."

"I do have your phone. Where are you?"

"I am actually not there anymore. I am at 750 south and 7th east."

"750 south 7th east. Okay."

"You are willing to drop it off here?"

"Yeah, unless you want to come back, but I don't feel like just sitting here." That actually sounded rude when I said it, but I didn't mean it to be.

"Okay, thanks so much."

I was parked at a forty-five degree angle and had a huge yellow Ford truck to my right so I couldn't see anything from oncoming traffic, and I was parked on a steep incline so when I let go of the brake with the clutch in I went rolling forward where there was a pretty gnarly gutter. I put my truck in reverse, let go of the clutch and moved back quickly so I didn't roll forward too far. I didn't go all the way because I couldn't see oncoming traffic obviously, but I was off the incline. It is lucky I didn't pull all the way into the lane because if I did I would've ran over a hobo. After I stopped I saw this white flash in my rear view and I looked back and saw a guy with long gray hair and a long gray beard with a white puffy coat on holding a teal colored sleeping bag. The first thought that flashed through my head at 100 m.p.h was the deleted scene from Hot Rod,"Sully ran over a hobo once. So I guess that makes him a stuntman, too." Then thought about how horrible it would feel to back over someone. My window was already rolled down and I said, "Hey."

"I am trying to get some money to buy some cigarettes. That guy over there gave me a couple," and I noticed the two cigarettes he was holding. Now, I am of the belief that if the person is lying to you, and you know he or she is just going to buy cigarettes and booze with it, it still really isn't your place to say if they are lying or not, and it shouldn't be the reason you don't give them anything. They do get bonus points for being honest, though.

"Sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Yeah."

"Here's a couple bucks."

"Thanks. God bless. Be safe."

"You too."

A few minutes later I arrived at 750 south 7th east and the Jesse kid came out first.

"Good. I was thinking maybe I got the numbers mixed up. That would've sucked." Then the little Asian girl in a Good Riddance t-shirt came out.

"It's a little jacked up from getting trampled on," I said.

"As long as it works!"

"True. Alright, have a good night, everyone." Then I think she went to hug me but I'm not sure, either way my body froze up and I took a step back, then realized I probably looked ridiculous so I just stood there for a few more seconds to make it look like I wasn't in a super rush to leave which made for a really awkward few seconds. I was about to say, "Big gulps, huh?" but was interrupted, fortunately.

"Thanks again."

"Okay. Good times." Then I finally turned around and got back in my truck.

A: Why do I call everyone 'everyone?' Even if it is just one or two people? It may stem from the Chilean days and asking people in Spanish 'How are we?' even if it was one person and answering 'We're good,' even if it was just me. That's the only thing I think of.

B: I say 'good times' way too often.

The Bouncing Souls

2008-04-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Harvest moon in a desert sky. Making good time as we pass it by. Wherever this road takes us, it was meant to be.

We're already home.

What are dreams for, anyway, without the guts to live your life that way?

Learned to let go of the things we can't control. Left em behind and followed rock and roll. We found a new way of life. Forever till the end of time. But never getting old.

What are songs for, anyway, without the guts to live your life that way?

No Wonder

2008-04-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

So I finished the first draft of the story I have been working on. I still have some issues with it, but I have been looking at it and read it so many times I am not sure what to do with it anymore. I don't plan on picking it back up for a long time, but if anyone wants to read it let me know, and I can send it to you.

I have never been a fan of reading stuff on the computer, you just don't really get the same feel it seems. I don't expect you to print it out if you want to read it, but if you work in an office, go ahead and use The Man's paper.

Opening Day - Root Root Root for the Cubbies!

2008-03-31T13:51:00.001-07:00

Cubs and Indians in the World Series. Cubs win the 2008 World Series making it exactly 100 years between championships. Call me crazy, but we all know that is how things work in baseball.

Five Birds - February 23, The Greatest Day of 08' so Far

2008-03-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

Cam and I woke up early on the 23rd to head up to the Bird. While we transferred gear from his car to my truck we took a gander up at our mountains. They were covered by dark clouds that were over-looking the valley as if to say to all early rising red-cheeked optimistic skiers (I like adjectives today), “Not today.” Now, of course clouds don’t think, let alone perform not to subtle intimidation aimed at people trying to escape the nappy snowless valley for a few hours. They are, in fact, evaporated water molecules that have condensed as they have risen up the mountains to most likely jettison their extra weight on the slopes in order to complete the journey across the peaks, but for the sake of antagonist vs. protagonist and tension and so on, we are going to pretend these are evil clouds. If you need to, take a break and get your noggin wrapped around that and then continue.

We wondered what awaited us inside the belly of the beast, and we did not waver. School, work, marriage, kids, and lets not forget the forever rising ticket prices have stopped my friends and I from shredding the slopes. We gave the beast a quadruple Bird and headed east. On the belly outskirts we found that we may have underestimated our beast. The fog was thick and getting thicker the higher we got. Struggling to follow solid ground we both worried that the beast may overcome, and that visibility would be so bad that if we tried boarding Gad 2 we would smack into a tree, staying alive just long enough to realize how bad our nads hurt. We did not voice these concerns for the sake of morale, and just focused on the humming of the brave engine.

Then, when we thought all hope was lost and we would never return, there it was! A ray of light.

“Is that the sun?” I said.

“We’re gonna get above it!”

We shot out of the beast’s colon two seconds later like triumphant heroes of old. We had found the bluest sky one has ever seen. It was spotless. In the midst of our celebration I forgot I was driving and nearly killed us both. I eventually checked my emotion and gained control of the vehicle.

In the wake of the beast was some of the lightest powder I have ever experienced. The trees of Gad 2 welcomed us with open limbs and smiled upon us as we darted in between them leaving fresh tracks and worry behind.

Let this be a lesson to you all, “He who braves the storm without fear and endures when it seems that all hope is lost, will board some of the sickest cherry cherry pow pow known to man.” That’s in the Bible somewhere, I think. And if it isn’t, it really should be.

Yeah, buddy

2008-02-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

Holy $#!*

2008-02-04T16:38:00.000-08:00

Face to Face is BACK!! I think I just pooped myself. . .yep. I just pooped myself. And I don't care because I am so happy. I guess life really is alright; Kudos to you, Life.

Press Release

Disconnected from the farewell tour.

Now, I gotta go change my drawers.

Horse Nuts

2008-01-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

I got a camera for Christmas and haven't had much chance to use it. I do have some pictures on it, but nothing cool to put on the blog. This sure makes me laugh, though. Zach's face after cracks me up. Yes, I am twenty-five.

On Turning Twenty-Five

2008-01-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

. . .courtesy of Jack Kerouac.

"I wished I was on her bus. A pain stabbed my heart. As it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this two-bit world."

A Letter From a Work in Progress

2007-12-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

It is no wonder why most songs, movies, and books are about love. You can be bitter about love when you are out of it, but when you are in it everyone knows there is nothing better. Sitting there in the dark with Kate I knew I loved her. I knew because I was happy. I think I was too young the last time I was happy to remember what it was like, but the feeling is now crisp and bright.

We spend most of our time hiding our weaknesses. We act brave when we’re afraid, we pick fights with people who scare us, we pretend the future isn’t there, we say we are “okay.” We perceive all this resistance we put up as strength. Then we take a wrong step somewhere and fall in love, and all the resistance is no longer needed. It’s scary because we feel weak; rather we realize we are weak. All this resistance we thought we were putting up was nothing more than hiding and we find that we haven’t grown strong at all.

Then the most dreaded word, after love, comes: Vulnerability. Before, we pretended that we were impenetrable. Nothing got in or out, but now we lower the bridge that we never told anyone existed, now there is a big gaping hole in the side of your stronghold, and we find out that we want nothing more than to tell every filthy secret about ourselves and every fear we have, in the name of love.

The third word comes: Happiness. Not so much dreaded as it is thought to be mystical—and uninteresting. Just like love, we tell ourselves we don’t want it because in the act of wanting we suggest we need something, and therein lies a weakness. So we say it doesn’t exist. We wanted to be interesting like Elliot Smith or Fitzgerald, so we drink too much and do too many drugs, and push loved ones out of our lives; anything to make ourselves feel more miserable each day. After we feel it, though, we know that being happy is much more interesting than being sad, and we realize we know more miserable people, and read more miserable authors, and listen to more miserable musicians, and less of the happy ones, not because the happy ones are so uninteresting, but because they are so rare.

And I know that in reading this letter you don’t find it as interesting or good as my other letters (as I still kinda feel that way myself), but I think that’s just because we have trained ourselves to look at these things with our head half cocked to the side, and with one hand in front of the face so as not to get a full effect, afraid of what it might do to us, and we miss what’s there.

So, like every other poor sap that has fallen in love, I have tried to explain it, and I think I did as good a job as anyone could do.

Some Color. Yaay!

2007-11-29T07:19:00.000-08:00

While sitting in my gray rectangular work home yesterday I realized I needed to run out to my truck. While walking through the parking lot I walked by a sheriff’s car in our parking lot, which isn’t that odd because there are always cops at the Crown Burger next to our office for lunch and dinner. The rest of his crew cutted moustched friends were parked in the Crown Burger parking, but it was pretty busy so I guess he decided to come park in our lot. The only thing was he parked in our handicap spot while there were plenty of spaces open right next to said handicap spot. There isn’t much that grinds my gears worse than someone who has too much authority or too much money and believes themselves above the rest of us normies, and doesn’t think the same rules apply to them. I mean nobody is going to give this guy a ticket.

On the way back I walked by the cruiser again and thought that I should leave a note on his car, a ticket if you will. I recruited an accomplice and we wrote out the ticket on a purple post-it that said, “This is your ticket for parking in the handicap spot, douche. Sincerely, Everyone.” We walked out the side door and as we walked by the car I slapped it on his driver side window and then proceeded to go in the front door of the office. As we entered we felt that justice had been served. Neither of us had a view out a window that would enable us to observe the officer as he read his ticket. I kept standing up from my desk to look and see if he was coming, but knew I would probably miss him.

About an hour later someone came into my area and said, “Who has purple?” I looked around my cubicle wall and sure enough there was the sheriff, moustache and all, holding the note I left on his window. I took my post-its and put them under my leg. Of course everyone else was pretty confused and asked him what was going on.

“I want to apologize to whoever called me a douche.”

“Someone left a nasty note on your car?”

“Yeah, they called me a douche.” I was laughing pretty dang hard at this point and IM'ing my accomplice.

“Oh man, no one here would do that.”

I think the cop said the D word like 50 times while he was in the office. It tickled me every time.

Apologize? Yeah right. He was pretty pissed and we all know that cops, along with politicians and referees, don’t apologize to people. Even the people who didn’t know what was going on knew that he wanted to confront the person who bruised his giant cop ego.

He then proceeded to walk around the entire office looking for purple post-its and colored pens (I had written it in red pen). Most everyone has purple post-its because those are the ones the office purchased most recently.

“I didn’t realize it was a handicap spot.” Uh-huh. The big freaking blue square with the handicap symbol inside didn’t tip you off, huh? Neither did the post with the same symbol? Yeah right, but still, if the rest of us wouldn’t have realized it we still would have earned a parking ticket.

I was kind of bummed that the people around me didn’t think it was funny as it was, but after the officer left we claimed the note and gave the whole story of him being parked in the handicap spot while there were several open spots nearby. They didn’t realize he was parked there so then it all made sense to them then. They told us if we ever did something like that again we need to let them in on it so they can enjoy it as well. I actually got yelled at because people were scared when he came up to talk to him, but the overall sentiment in the office concerning what we did was pride. Good times.

We sufficiently got our point across. In hindsight, while trying to stick it to the man, maybe calling him a feminine product wasn’t the greatest of ideas, but I was upset, and I am sure had a disabled person needed the spot they would have called him much worse.

Top Five Tunes on Tunes

2007-11-20T12:27:00.001-08:00

Learned to let go of the things we can't control. Left em behind and followed rock and roll. We found a new way of life. Forever till the end of time. But never getting old. What are songs for, anyway, without the guts to live your life that way? - The Bouncing Souls

1. Radio, Rancid – Never fell in till I fell in love with you. Never knew what a good time was so I had a good time with you. If you wanna get the feeling and you wanna get it right then the music’s gotta be loud. For when music hits I feel no pain at all. Radio, Radio, Radio. When I got the music I got a place to go.

2. Sing Along Forever, Bouncing Souls - I'm driving listening to my radio, checkin out the airwaves for something to believe in, gimme something to hold true, gimme something to sing about. Gimme a reason to care, I'll sing along forever. Watered-down words covered in song trying to hide the truth That life is beautiful, and life is pain, give it to me straight, touch my heart, I'll sing along forever.

3. For all the unheard, The Bouncing Souls - A guitar strikes a chord hits a misery so hard so bold. Sounding through this world where it's so hard to feel that gold. This is for all the unheard, All the music left behind. All the songs left on the floors in the closets of our minds. Where's the passion gone in our hearts? Lost somewhere in the grind. It's time to bring it back It's time to unwind. Find what we lost. It's time. It's time to bring it back

4. Indestructible, Rancid (and my favorite when I feel weak like this) - And I know I'm indestructible tonight. Playback, rock and roll come and save me. It's a safe bet that you will never ever betray me. And I'll give back everything that you gave me. And I know that no one can ever ever contain me. And I won't get bogged down like some American consumer, nah, I'm dancing now to a whole different drummer. And I'll keep listening to the great Joe Strummer cause through music we can live forever. And I know I'm indestructible tonight.

5. Thank You, The Descendents (speaking of being weak) - I'll listen to you for hours, I'll listen all day. Just keep hitting me the right way. Sing your song in the shower, cause you got a way to say what I can never say right - right on. When I feel weak you make me feel strong. Make me feel strong. I won't say your name, but you know who you are. I'll never be the same again now - no way. I just want to say thank you for playing the way you play. Did you know you're why I go and waste my time at a rock and roll show? You let me know I'm not alone. You make me feel strong, make me feel strong. Feel like nothing's wrong.

Note: This is really more of a top six because I can't narrow it down, but since Soundsystem was just talked about, I left it off this list, thus, making it a top five.

No Title

2007-11-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

I will finally be a student again. After a semester off I got registered up at the U yesterday. Nice. So I will be working full-time and will be a full-time student. I have never done the double full-time thing and am kind of nervous, but pretty excited about my classes for the most part. I am taking a fiction workshop, 19th century American literature history class, history of photography, and analysis of argument. Should be rockin.

I will be glad to be back in school again because being a twenty-five year old single Mormon guy is a pretty bland period of life. I find myself just wishing that I had something lighthearted to talk about. A funny experience or idea. Something. Some color in my life. But as it is now, pretty much all I do is sit at my desk at work, which is entirely gray. A lot of the girls I meet are either married or fresh out of high school making it a workout just being in the same room as them. I’m sure they’re nice, but I’m just out of the period of life where I could stand a car full of girls cranking Fergie, bouncing in their seats and screeching the lyrics while I get whipped in the eyes by hair and asked why I am not doing the same.

If I do meet a nice girl I would like to take out, and would like go out with me, I don’t do it because I feel guilty about it, because I have so much stuff I need to deal with first that if something good did end up happening I would feel bad for her because she had no idea what she signed up for (kind of like you do now if you made it this far in this post). This (yes, the third ‘this’ in six words and the second set of paranthesis in one. I’m okay with it) is where “they” or “you” or “whoever” says, “Well then, go take care of it.” And then I say, “Yeah, but. . .” But what? But it’s going to suck, that’s what, and I am tired. I need to try though, so I can stop writing posts like this one and move on to more interesting subjects.

How about I do a Top 5 Tunes on Tunes? That could be fun. Okay, done. Plus, it will get me listening to something a little more upbeat.

To Resist Despair in This World is What it is to Be Free

2007-11-06T19:40:00.000-08:00

Today-what can I say? Today sucked. It sucked long, and it sucked hard. I am in the middle of being frustrated mentally, physically, spiritually; I'm frustrated at work, home, not at school because I wasn't able to go this semester, and that is frustrating.

I spent way too much time today not at work applying at the U again even though I was already accepted once and even though it was their fault (in my eyes at least, I can see their point. I will give them that) that I wasn't able to register and had to pay the late fee again, and will again be registering late. I think it would be understandable to be frustrated at my day.

Frustrated, though, may be an understatement. If only I was frustrated; a normal person would be frustrated, but I think it is safe to say that I am completely pissed off in all those above mentioned areas. I won't go too much into my angry character flaw; I just wanted to give you an idea of why I couldn't calm down today and wanted to start tearing cubicles from the walls in a vulgar rampage. Reason for painting this very negative, but honest, image of myself would be so that the calm present version of Jeremy has a little more meaning.

Today sucked until about five o'clock when I realized that the re-release of Operation Ivy's Energy (including tracks from the EP's Hectic and Turn it Around, and released as Operation Ivy) that was supposed to be in June, then in October, then to what I thought was next week was actually today. Now, the day didn't improve dramatically until I had it in my hands, because I was still a little skeptical that I had received the correct information, but alas, it was there on the new releases shelf, and the day improved dramatically once Knowledge started playing on my truck stereo. It was already a horrible week even though I was halfway through Tuesday and this was a very welcome surprise. Honestly, things are fine now. I am totally fine. My heart rate is back to normal, and even though I just finished work at 9:30, I feel like dancing instead of violently self-destructing. I love music. Yes, I do. I love it because it gives back to me. Twelve bucks very well spent.

Try to describe to the limit of my ability:
It's there for a second
Then it's given up what it used to be.
Contained in music somehow more than just sound,
This inspiration coming and twisting things around
Because you always know that it's gonna have to go
You always know that you'll be back in the cold.
Point of departure sublimated in a song
It's always coming to give me that hope for just a second
then it's gone, but!

To resist despair, that second makes you see. . .
To resist despair, because you can't change everything. . .
To resist despair in this world is what it is, what it is to be free.

Sound system gonna bring me back up
One thing that I can depend on.

Possibly the Longest Single Post in GUAGL History

2007-10-22T10:38:00.001-07:00

Holy crap, I am bored. The program my job pretty much revolves around doesn’t work so I have NOTHING to do. I checked my blog and noticed that I only have six posts about roommates, and that those six posts are part of one story, then that reminded me of last night (Thursday) and since I have nothing to do you get to know about last night too.

Rob and I returned home from Lacey’s at about one in the morning and our house smelled like warm feces. I proceeded to complain about the stench as loud as I could hoping to wake our two roommates downstairs so they knew how much I hated when this happened. You see, our two roommates who live downstairs are both from Enterprise, Utah, and they come from farming families. I could write post after post about the friction this simple difference in culture causes; in this case it is that they cook huge dinners for themselves every night, and sometimes breakfast and most of the time they result in a similar smell we had just encountered. Not only does it smell bad but you feel like you need to take a shower just by being in its midst, scratch that, you do have to take a shower just by being in its midst. Also, while cooking these meals of theirs they use more dishes in one day then Rob and I would use in a normal week.

Right before we left Lacey’s we were talking about how Roommate One has horrible aim in the bathroom and doesn’t like to clean up the mis-fired . . . ammo. And how way too often when I wake up in the morning and head to the bathroom to take care of business, I encounter R1’s business (serious business, if you know what I mean). How do you sit on the toilet, do that, and then stand up and totally forget what you have been doing for the past 5 minutes!!!!???? It is hard to think of a worse way to start my day then lifting up the lid and encountering an hour-long stagnant deuce. I mean bloody hell.

Anyway, since we were just talking about them I sent Lacey a text message.

“Words cannot describe the smell our roommates have filled our house with.”

“Sick! What did they do?”

“It smells like they cooked an old man’s diaper.” I sent it and then thought for a second and sent, “Hey, maybe words can describe it.”

By the way, keep in mind that it is now one in the morning, meaning the smell is at least a few hours old and still crazy potent. My last thought before I went to bed was ‘I bet I have weird dreams because of this odor I have to sleep in.’ I usually have freakin weird and very vivid dreams anyway, so I was scared what was going to happen with adding this extra element to the equation. The sum of that equation goes like this:

I was in a co-ed locker room, and I was way confused because I thought there had to be segregated locker rooms somewhere around there. I hated getting dressed in front of other guys let alone gettin nekked in front of a bunch of girls (in the dream that is, heh heh). So, I was getting pretty stressed over it until I finally found the guy’s locker room. I changed into my swimsuit and headed out to the pool. This pool, by the way, is a re-occurring object in my dreams. I don’t remember any dream where I actually swim in it, so if any psych majors read this maybe you could help me out there. This dream was no different; I just walked around it and then went outside to play football. I was fully dressed and back in high school all of the sudden and with some kid who was my friend, I guess. Anyway, Alta’s football team was having practice and we stopped by to see if they needed help. We sat with the team on the grass and listened as their coach told them how pathetic they were. He then started yelling at me, telling me that I’d better play really well being that I had RoboCop shoes on. I did have RoboCop shoes on. They were black and said RoboCop in silver. Even though he had just humiliated me I was still confident my RoboCop shoes were awesome, and that everyone else still thought so. I think that part of the dream comes from Napolean Dynamite. “You think I got to where I am by dressing like Peter Pan over here? Forget about it.”

At this point I started narrating my own dream like a movie. One of those movies where you find out in the end the narrator is actually the main character years after the story. When practice actually got started they realized they didn’t need our help, so my friend and I walked over to this grassy area and started playing baseball by ourselves. I guess we were both really good at baseball. The area we were playing on used to be a pretty popular field back in like the fifties, but now you could hardly tell there was ever a baseball field there. We played until it started getting dark, then we came up with the idea that we should re-build the field so people could play baseball on it again, so we started taking care of the field. While watering it I realized that I would never ever have enough money to make the field into what we thought it deserved to be and I started crying, but like balling and feeling so horribly sad because our dream would never be realized. Now the narration just took over and I just saw everything that it talked about. My friend and I got the field to where games could actually be played on it. We started a team that was called something Broncos, I can’t remember. We were so good that we got Triple A status and became the Bees, and we got a big budget to make the field better. Eventually major league teams played in the stadium we had built there, and it eventually became the “Wrigley of the West.”

How often is it that your dreams come true in your dreams?

There you have it.

Enter Ipod

2007-10-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

My last check had 25 hours of overtime on it (in one week). Enter Ipod. My last one was stolen. God help anyone who tries to take this one from me.

More From the Office

2007-10-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

1:36 Decide to make a post about my afternoon at work.

1:37-1:39 Finish a report and fight the urge to go to the bathroom because I am too lazy to get up, then remember the clip from Liar Liar and go to the bathroom.

1:42 Return from the bathroom and start next report.

1:50 Cameron asks what I am writing and I tell him a post about work.

2:36 -2:46 Talk to boss about ipods.

2:51 - 3:03 Go to Sev to get a slurpee to help me last to the end of the day.

3:10 Cam gets upset because he bought a Caramello at Sev but the machine at work had a peanut butter Twix that is cheaper.

3:11 Time to hit the john again.

3:13 Note on my way back from the bathroom that the girl who sits next to me is always watching anime.

3:15 Cam and I discuss starting an "a la carte" cable company.

3:21 Think to myself that it is amazing how happy a good slurpee can make me.

3:23 Finish another report

3:46 Think that I should make a Top 5 albums to listen to in the dark list.

3:52 Feel that I should tell you that the last two minutes of Big Sur by Mason Jennings is awesome.

4:03 Finish another report.

4:04 Look up lyrics to Now the World by AFI because I couldn't sing along to the chorus.

4:16 One of my favorite Rancid songs comes on my itunes. "Radio Clash, Magnificent Seven. I was a choir boy you showed me no heaven."

4:19 Decide to listen to Magnificent Seven by The Clash.

4:52 Sad because my slurpee is gone, but it lasted a while.

5:00 Sad because its five and I have to stay till six.

5:04 Happy because I decided to make up the hours later and leave now.

Just 40 more years of that and I can retire. Boo-ya.

Me at Work

2007-09-21T09:24:00.001-07:00

You know what is scary? I am smiling.

Cat

2007-09-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

Mick sat on the covered porch at the side of his house with a book, a sandwich, and a glass. The book was Hemingway, the sandwich was turkey, and the glass was milk. On the opposite side of the driveway that ran past the side of his home the very old wood fence gave birth to a cat. It's fur matched the color of the dark worn wood. The cat noticed Mick and stopped to stare at him. He noticed that the man seemed to be as old as the fence he had just crawled under. Mick stared back. After a few moments Mick put down Hemingway and leaned forward, extended his arm and rubbed his thumb against his fingers while making swishing noises with his mouth to try and entice the cat to his side of the driveway. The cat startled at the movement and thought about retreating back through the fence, but stopped and looked again at the man.

Mick took a bit of meat from his sandwich and tossed it in the cat's direction, who didn't notice it until it hit the grass in front of him. He sniffed at it a few times and then ate it. The cat looked back at the old man and shamelessly asked for more. Mick got up and retrieved two more slices from the refrigerator and returned to the porch. He dangled a slice of turkey from his hand.

"Come on. Come eat." The cat slowly made it's way over to the old man and quickly ate the first slice without chewing, and then the second in the same way, and again asked for more.

"That's it, cat. I guess there is some milk here if you want it." He put the glass in front of the cat who looked inside and then immersed his head in to get what was left of the milk.

"Okay, cat. I am going inside now. Behave yourself."

###

Mick was standing over the kitchen sink looking out the window. His wife came in the side door. "There is a cat just sitting on the porch," she said

"He came to visit me when I was reading," Mick said.

"You didn't feed him did you?"

"No."

"Then we'd never get rid of it."

"We're out of turkey."

Random Randomness

2007-09-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I never actually came back from intermission. The reminiscing groove is gone so I don't think I will be picking that back up, but thought I would throw a post on here. I am currently at work and my brain is crying. Also, I have decided that I don't like the smell of paper towels. I also hate the feel of cardboard, but I have known that for a long time.

I am currently wearing glasses because I lost a contact at the Rise Against concert, which was all time by the way! I hope my new contacts come in soon, because I want to wear my new cubs hat, and I don't particularly enjoy wearing glasses.

I watched Sandlot on Sunday. Greatest baseball movie of all time. Which brings me to my next point: Don't smoke crack.

Intermission - The Secret Garden

2007-08-13T16:20:00.001-07:00

We will get back to Chile in a bit.

Hale Theater is currently doing The Secret Garden, and my brother, Strude, is playing Dr. Neville Craven. Today on the news they did a bit on the play, and my brother talks a little about the it and then sings Lilies Eyes. Check it out. They are the 2nd and 3rd video clips in the middle of the page. But, you should also just go see the entire production. I saw it on Saturday, and it was awesome. If you do go, go on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or the Saturday matinee to see Strude. There is another cast on the other nights. For real, just go. Get a little culture people!

Also, if theater is yo thang, my brother and his wife run a web site called On Stage in Utah. Check that out as well.

Que Buena Onda, Po.

2007-07-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

While on my mission: I had rocks thrown at me, I was kicked, I was swung at with fists and a 40 ounce glass bottle, I was mugged (of all 150 pesos we had between the two of us), I was yelled and sworn at every single day, I was called a liar, a devil, and an idiot. I would say a good 70% of the people I met on a daily basis hated me. Sometimes it didn’t bug me. I was being ridiculed for doing something that I believed in. It didn’t get to me because it was the message they hated, not me. The more resistance that was put up around me the more it seemed to validate what I was doing there. Other times it really got to me. I hated them back for doing what they did without knowing or ever talking to me.

This isn’t a knock on the Chilean people, though. I am pretty sure that is how it is for all missionaries around the world, but in Chile, unlike the majority of the world, you could knock on a random door and ask to use the bathroom and be let in and given a drink and bread, no matter how poor they were, or how much they hated America or Los Mormones—that is as long as we promised not to talk about God. Other than our message, the average Chilean would be willing to talk to us about almost anything. They are such a caring and friendly people, where strangers are innocent until proven guilty, and I love so many of them so much. I still cry some nights because I worry about them, and because I feel I have betrayed them by losing contact (I lost the notebook where I had addresses), and because of who I currently am. If I had one wish, it would be to go back, and talk to Paula and let her know I haven’t forgotten her and her daughter, and tell her I love her and that rarely a day goes by where I don’t think and wonder about her. I would talk to Felipe. He would smile his big smile and scream, “Elder Estenrood!” and would go to do the handshake we made up, and see that I have forgotten it (what is wrong with me!). I would go to the Loyola’s. They would make dinner and we would have a mate around the table and laugh for hours. I would find Ximena and tell her that if she was the only person I ever met while in Chile who wanted to talk to me, and if every other day before and after our time with her was absolute and total hell, my time spent there would have been more than worth it. I would walk La Isla, La Cisterna, San Joaquin, and Lo Espejo.

I can’t do any of these things, and at this point in my little exercise I am finding that it is having the opposite effect I was going for.

La Isla de Maipo

2007-07-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

I was born in a little town out in the country called La Isla de Maipo. You see, your first area is where you are born. Your first companion is your dad or ‘Papito’. If there are other missionaries living in the apartment you start in, they are your uncles. If your trainer trains other missionaries, they are your brothers. If you are someones last companion, you kill them, and so on. My papito was Elder Wolfley. He was just over five feet tall. I am 6’2” so we looked kind of funny walking through the sector. Whenever someone brought up how funny we looked Elder Wolfley’s joke was, “Hay Gringito y Gringon.” Funny at first, but after 3 months it wears on you.

We got along pretty well and had some good times. One of my favorite mission stories has to do with Elder Wolfley.

It rains a lot during a Santiago winter, and this winter brought the most rain the country had seen in a long time and there was flooding everywhere. The only thing to do all day was to walk around town and look for people who needed help. I didn’t really have any clothing suited for a flood, so I walked around in jeans and a Foursquare hoodie. Elder Wolfley on the other hand was decked out in water proof gear from his head to his boots, and he made sure to remind me that he was perfectly dry all day long.

Almost every where we went we were up to our knees in water. We tried to stick to the sidewalks where we could because they were raised up a bit and the water wasn’t as deep. While walking on the outskirts of the town we crossed a pretty wide intersection, and I found the curb on the right side of the road and we started up the street with Elder Wolfley at my right. After a few steps there was break in the curb and I dropped down four inches. I tried to warn Elder Wolfley by shouting, “Hole!” but I was one step too late. Elder Wolfley literally disappeared into the hole. Being as short as he was the hole was deeper than he was tall. The concrete hole was there to help drain water off the road, but obviously wasn’t much help at this point. He popped up from the water screaming. Laughing, I asked him if he was okay. He didn’t answer and I kept on laughing. There were three people walking behind us when he fell into the hole, and I will never forget their faces. Three of the most classic faces I have ever seen. They stood there wide eyed, while the grumbling gringito pulled himself out of an invisible hole, and while the gringon made fun of him. I don’t think I stopped laughing the rest of the day. He didn’t find much humor in it at the time, which made it funnier for me, and I reminded him that despite all his fancy clothing he was now just as wet as I was. Not to mention that he just fell into a huge hole.

El Dieciocho

2007-07-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

After I came home from Chile I talked about how I found myself at the dieciocho. I have long since lost myself again. I sometimes imagine a transparent me waiting at bus stop eighteen for me to go pick him up again. So that is where I will start.

I lived in La Cisterna on La Gran Avenida above the eighteen for seven months. The Gran Avenida is one of the busiest streets in Santiago. We lived in a corner fourth story apartment above an intersection. The windows were always open because the summer was very hot and there was no air conditioning. When the light turned green and the busses proceeded through the intersection I would have to pretty much yell in order for the person next to me to understand over the first gears of all the busses. There was no need to set an alarm because the busses and the taxis tocando sus bocinas would wake me up, but I don’t ever remember really being annoyed at all the noise.

Just looking out the windows at all the people was enough entertainment to last all day long. And walking up and down the avenue was some of the most fun I had while in Chile. I remember when Colo-Colo won the Chilean Cup and the street filled with people and traffic could not get by. Hundreds of people flooded the street waving Colo-Colo flags and singing the club song and chanting, “C-H-I, Chi! L-E, Le! Chi-Chi-Chi! Le-Le-Le! Colo-Colo de Chile!” and the four of us joined in while hanging out our windows. We watched the crowd until the police were able to break it up so traffic could get by.

I saw eight different missionaries come and go while at the dieciocho. Four of them my own companions. Elders Huerta, Gonzalez, and Meza left the mission from the dieciocho. Elder Cordoba started there. I remember crying when Elder Huerta left. I remember getting so mad at Elder Wheatly for chewing SO loud, and then being even more angry when Elder Meza showed up and chewed even louder. I remember taking on Elder Campbell after Elder Meza went home, and while showing him around the sector the first day I puked on the side of the street from food poisoning, and had to stop at two different members houses that were less than a mile apart, so I could exlpode from both ends, before we made it back home. I remember climbing through a vent in our kitchen ceiling so we could get on our roof to see the Independence Day fireworks, and scream ‘Viva Chile!’ with the others on top of their roofs. I remember getting my Dear John on Christmas Eve and calling my family on Christmas day. We ate at Pizza Hut as a zone for our Christmas dinner. I remember Martes Loco at that same Pizza Hut where we would get 2 for 1 every Tuesday. I remember the four of us drinking mate (accent over the ‘e’. I don’t know how to do that on a computer) at night and telling each other about all the crazy people we met that day

It’s sad because all I can do now is remember. I am glad for the memories, but sometimes they just aren’t enough.

Scratching the Surface

2007-07-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

I have been happy before. I don’t exactly remember what it was like, but I remember being it. I want to be happy again; I think that would be nice, so I am going to write some posts about the last time I remember being happy. It was when I was in Santiago, Chile serving as a missionary. I am not going to write about real personal experiences I had there, because I don’t really want to talk about them here. I just kind of want to reminisce about the place and people I love and miss so much. Please bear with me over these next few posts. I will try to keep the posts as short as I can. I can do nothing more than just scratch the surface about how I feel here, but I think they are worth writing and I hope they will be worth reading.

I apologize in advance for all the ‘I remembers’ and the ‘I woulds’ but writing it like that is best way I know how of getting across how my mind works when I am laying in bed at night and it wanders it’s way back to Santiago.

You Stay Classy, South Salt Lake.

2007-06-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

As Rob and I were driving down 7th east as we left our beloved Loveland Avenue, we came upon this guy holding a topless car wash sign. We were laughing so hard that I had to turn around so Rob could snag a picture.

His wife? (in the background) did the car washing part and he did the topless part. So, if you are interested there is a ten dollar topless car wash on 7th and about 30th south. Just park on the front lawn and they will take care of you.

Oh, and how awesome is the guy in the middle?

So Tolley got Married - State of the Soul Part Two

2007-06-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

It seems like just a little while ago that we were coming home from downtown listening to And Out Come Wolves. We talked about how at the moment the only thing we needed was to listen to Rancid with the windows rolled down and a pal.

Give’em the boot. The roots. The Radicals. Give’em the boot. You know I’m a radical. Give’em the boot. The roots. The reggae on my stereo.

But dude, I think that was two years ago. Crazy, huh? You left that place a long time ago. I did too, and now I came back. It has changed a bit since we left, man. It’s not really better or worse, it has just changed and it was better with you here.

Some grow up and some grow old, but what about the kid who never learned the rules? Spent all these years on this earth, when you look back it’s just a flicker of time.

It is crazy to think that I might not ever see you again. You go back to Hawaii, then you will get a job in California. You have kicked life in full gear and I bet that has to feel pretty good, huh? I am pretty excited for you. You are very capable and I know you will be successful, but I guess if I want to live in your basement I need to move to California, eh?

Reconcile to the belief consumed in sacred ground for me. There wasn’t always a place to go but there was always an urgent need to belong. All these bands and all these people, all these friends and we were equals, but what ya gonna do when everyone goes on without you? To the end, I’ll journey to the end.

I know sometimes I am not the easiest person to get along with, but you did a kick-ass job of being my friend. I will be forever thankful for that.

Somewhere in America, through the city at night, we were far from home, but you knew it was gonna be alright.
Unfortunate get prayed on by vultures eyes. 86 cents in these pockets of mine. You can take my money. You can take my time, but you can’t take my heartache to the city behind.

Anyway, we had good times, great experiences, and an awesome soundtrack. I’m sad to see you go, but am so happy for you. You did it all right. See ya, buddy. Don’t forget your roots!

My Attempt to Decorate This Dying Day - Current Top 5 Rainy Day Songs - State of the Soul Part One

2007-06-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

1. Soup - Blind Melon

The clothesline of cold eyes
Is washing away the face before
Now tell me what's wrong
You see everyone's gone
You gotta do your best to decorate this dying day

People move on. Some do, anyway. And it isn’t because they have finished playing their part in your life, it is because you have finished your part in theirs. Everyone moves at different speeds, and some can’t keep up, so there will always be premature breaks along the way. The slow ones will eventually stop because everyone else has crossed the horizon and they can no longer see a path or purpose.

2. Good Feeling - Violent Femmes

Good feeling
won't you stay with me just a little longer?
It always seems like your leaving
when I need you here just a little longer.
Dear lady, there's so many things that I’ve come to fear.
Little voice says I'm going crazy
to see all my worlds disappear.
Vague sketch of a fantasy
laughing at the sunrise
like he's been up all night.
Slippin and Slidin
what a good time,
but now I have to find a bed
that can take this wait.

I don’t really have a broken heart, more like unhealed—and tired. It is tired of wanting what it can’t have, and too tired to want anything else. The brain understands. It is reasonable. It knows what the right thing to do is. I guess the heart understands it all too, it just doesn’t care. It wants what it wants and there is no convincing it, and in the sorry shape that it is in you can’t blame it.

3. From Here to Never - Sparta

So don't forget
The time will come

And I'm not sure
What you'll be like

What will eyes say when I see them
Wonder what you'll grow up to see

If we have torn the map to pieces, you'll find your way home
Cause home is where you believe

There is no stopping it, so I guess I will just let it run its course and see how big of an explosion it makes this time. Should be pretty spectacular.

4. No Ha Parado De Llover - Mana

Quien detendra la lluvia en mi
Se me ha inundado el corazon
Quien detendra la lluvia en mi, oh mi amor
Solo tu puedes pararla

Sigue lloviendo,
le sigue lloviendo el corazon
Dime que diablos voy a hacer
Sigue lloviendo,
le sigue lloviendo el corazon
Y en mis ojos no ha parado de llover

Pero dime algo, pues me estoy muriendo

I hope you know I meant what I said, and I hope you believe what I said, and I hope you don’t forget I said it.

5. Change - Blind Melon

Don't feel the suns comin' out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery,
I don't think I'll ever see the sun from here.

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy,
cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways we'll work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today
and then they'll paint it.

The only thing left to do now is watch the rain. At least it is raining. I don't want to look up, and in the rain I don't have to. I am glad I got to it before it was too late, because the season is over.

Phone #4

2007-06-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

Phone #1 - Forgot on the bumper of my car and then run over repeatedly.

Phone #2 - Thrown out of a moving car on the freeway.

Phone #3 - Ripped in half and thrown against the wall in cold blood.

Why I have high hopes for phone #4 - I was nervous in buying a new phone because I didn't want to get too nice a phone for fear of destroying it again, but I didn't want to get a real crappy one either, because the temptation would be too much. I got a Chocolate. Although free, therefore no finacial commitment, I think it should be okay because unlike any other phones before it, it is my favorite color, black - like my soul. Just kidding. It is black though. The phone. The phone is black. Okay... Also I can put quite a bit of music on it. I am thinking that that should keep it safe. Hopefully. I don't think it has the durability of say, a phone #3 (hence, the being ripped in half).

"Well, you could stop breaking them?" I could, but it is hard for me. They are always with you, and for most part the perfect shape and weight to really chuck something good.

I'm Done

2007-05-04T04:24:00.001-07:00

I finished school at 5:19 this morning. I'm done for the summer. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

ShuuuUUT UP!

2007-05-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

So I am at the library working on my final papers. There is a guy sitting right behind me reading the paper, and about every 30 seconds he goes, "Hmm," or "That's interesting." I thought he was on the phone, but no, he is just reading the paper all by himself. He is not exactly using his inside voice either. Does he want me to turn around and ask him what he is reading because he seems to be enjoying it so much? I want to set that paper on fire.

Doctor Cox's list of things that he cares as little about as his and JD's last week together

2007-04-10T01:23:00.000-07:00

Low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything everything that exists -- past, present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions, Hugh Jackman, and all white guys who add ‘izzle’ to anything.

The Rest of My Life - Less Than Jake

2007-04-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would post this Less Than Jake video on here. It is a really awesome video and song, and it goes along with the Growing Up and Getting Lost theme. I like the Alden Nowlen quote it shows:

The day the child realizes all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes and adult. The day the child forgives himself, he becomes wise.

Sigh

2007-04-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well, what can I say? My ipod got jacked. Right out of my apartment while I was asleep. And our neighbors wonder why we always keep our door locked. This sucks. As I go through the day I remember every so often that I no longer have it, and it makes me really mad. I guess I will go back to mixing CD’s for me to take when I am out and about since I can no longer take my entire library around with me. So I was thinking that I should make a CD to mourn the loss of the ol ipod, and I was wondering what type of CD it should be. I thought about making it full of slow sad songs, or making a CD full of songs about music. Then I thought I could put songs on there with titles that could be associated with the situation, like Listed M.I.A, by Rancid, or something by the The Police. Or maybe Stab. Stab. Stab. by A Wilhelm Scream. Anyway, I decided to burn a CD of my top twenty-five songs played since I bought the ipod, and I can listen to it and remember the good times had the past two or so months. I wonder if I should just wait for the new ipods to come out now?

1. Welcome to New South (Live Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
2. Phantom Limb – The Shins
3. History of a Boring Town (Live Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
4. Knowledge – Operation Ivy
5. Bad Town – Operation Ivy
6. Blacklist – The Briggs
7. A Comet Appears – The Shins
8. Hide the Scissors, Lock the Door – The Blackout Pact
9. To Have and Have Not – Lars Frederiksen
10. Porphyria Cutanea Tarda – AFI
11. Common and Unknown – The Briggs
12. The Wolf – Rancid
13. Myage – The Descendents
14. Army of Zombies – Lars Frederkisen
15. Bonzo Goes to Bitburf – The Ramones
16. Death of Season – AFI
17. Kate is Great – Bouncing Souls
18. Daly City Train - Rancid
19. Broken Bodies – Time Again
20. Let Them Know – The Briggs
21. Suburban Myth (Live, Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
22. The Ghosts of Me and You (Live, Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
23. Malleus Maleficarum – AFI
24. Dancing for Rain – Rise Against
25. Say Anything – Bouncing Souls

Quote of the Day

2007-03-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

...made by my buddy Ryan about 5 minutes ago.

"Sometimes instead of taking notes I take a picture of the board. Everyone looks at me like I am the laziest person they know."

I'll Sing Along Forever Wrap Up

2007-03-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

Since i don't know how to attach an audio file to this thing I put some links of some Bouncing Souls videos, so you can at least hear the songs I talked about. They are all from Anchors Aweigh except for True Believers.

Anchors Aweigh

Sing Along Forever

True Believers The urinal part still makes me laugh.

Kids and Heroes But I still believe/there are only a few things/that really belong to me/who I am/who I was/and who I wanna be

I'll Sing Along Forever, Continued

2007-03-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

Well, now that we have all that back story I wasn't planning on writing, let's fast forward to 2004 shall we?

I don't know how much time I spent just laying on my bed being homesick for Santiago. I wanted to go back more than anything. I had nothing else to do; it was in the middle of the Spring semester so I couldn't go to school, and I didn't have a job. It was hard, but I think the biggest thing was that life at home had changed a lot. While all the True Believers were back together, and it was great, there wasn't as much time for each other anymore, and there was going to be less and less as time rolled along. Friends were getting married or dating seriously and thinking about it or working at real jobs. Although I had matured a lot while I was gone I was still hoping that when we all got back there would still be a good year or two where we could go to school together or get an apartment or something and all move in and just hang out like the ol days. It was never going to be same, and that was hard on me. It still is.

I don't know what the first CD I bought after i got home was, but my favorite was Anchors Aweigh by the Bouncing Souls. This will always be one of my most beloved records. It came out in 2003 while I was away, and is different than anything they had released previously. While there are fast and slow songs on the record, the overall tone is very somber compared to the five previous releases. There is talk of life, death, change, separation, living and learning, and moving on and being able to be the same person while doing it. I have always had the most in common with the Bouncing Soul's lyrics than any other group and the entire record just seemed to match this time of my life perfect, and the title track encompassed all of it. When I listened to this record was one of the only times I truly felt at home. So, they helped me come home just as they had helped me leave, and for that I will sing along forever. And so:

Anchors Aweigh, my friends
I'll see you another day
I'm going away
experiences have to come
and the past has got to go
back into our dreams

Anchors Aweigh, my friends
Everybody understands that good times
come and they go
and together we will always flow
back into our dreams

And our troubles
we can't leave them behind
but the wind blows
and blows them all away
and the road goes
and takes them all away
back into our dreams

I'll Sing Along Forever

2007-03-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

I am posting because B-lyn told me to.

I was listening to the Bouncing Souls and decided to write a little thing about them, because while I was listening to them I was thrown back to three years ago. Also, for me, the Bouncing Souls and March will always be linked together like two fingers wishing for luck.

I left and came home from my mission in March 2002 and 2004. The coming home was far and away the harder of the two. I hated it. I hated it for a lot of reasons. I won't go through them because that is not what I want to talk about; the fact that I was a sad mess should do just fine. First, lets go back in time. Now entering flashback story mode: Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo...

1999-2001 The thought that we needed to maybe start taking life a little more serious started to make it's way from the back of our minds and struggle to be closer to the front. And reject it though we may, it was going to get there too. Some of us started to try and be serious and get a move on in a positive direction, and others (the group I belonged to) didn't. The main catalyst for this "movement" was that we were going to be nineteen soon, and are we going to go on this mission? and if so, we need to change so that we do it right. There was nothing around me that could really reach me and convince me to move on. One thing that really held me back was I knew that because of certain things I have done and was doing that road might take me a long time and I didn't have the heart for it.

Thanks to some great friends I started to make my way slowly and not very surely, but I started to put in some effort. Still nothing had really reached me in a way to help me give it my all. I went and bought a CD one day, and I got a free compilation CD with it. There were seven songs on it. Track six was "True Believers" and track seven was "The Gauntlet" by the Dropkick Murphys. It is weird to me today that they were both on there right next to each other because both of these songs became an anthem for that period of our lives and helped me through it. A few of us were in to the Bouncing Souls during this time, and I don't remember if the new Bouncing Souls record had not come out yet or what, but I hadn't heard "True Believers" yet, and when I saw it on there I was happy because the CD wasn't a total waste.

I don't remember the first time I listened to it, and I don't know when it exactly happened, but it was really the first thing that reached me. "Now you can fight or you can run/hide under a rock till the war is won/play it safe and don't make a sound/but not us/we won't back down." I wanted to be part of the group that wasn't under the rock. I realized I really didn't like being under it. I found that I was so much happier actually putting up a fight. I still listen to this, and when I can't listen I sing it it my head, when I fail or think I can't do this anymore and want to stop trying so hard, and it reminds me that it is better to be a True Believer in all aspects of life and take my licks than hide and not try. So while in the big picture punk-rock wasn't really the most important thing at the time, it was the song that helped me realize that believing in something, even if it is just life, isn't just thinking about it, but doing something about it. And life is better if you give it a purpose.

I'll Blog You

2007-02-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't posted in a while. I am in the middle of a crazy, frustrating, depressing, and busy semester. You know how bad luck comes in threes? Well for me it seems to come in twenty-seven's. Yet, through all of this crud, the semester is good over all. Not that that is surprising though, I suppose. That's life. All the good and all bad are always there.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hi. Although only two people really comment on this I know a bunch more that read it because they tell me about it when I see them. Hope all is well and I will try not to stay away too long.

On Turning Twenty-Four

2007-01-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

Twenty-Four. What is there to say about it? (This is where I pause and let the Old Lady put in her two cents.)
...

(And I guess this where I realize, after a few moments of silence, that she has left me to fend for myself. I guess it is my fault. I never listened to her anyway. I’ll miss you, ya ol bag.)

And so it is. You can’t just take the people you love for granted and expect them to stick around forever. If they truly do love you they will try, probably for years, but there will come a time when they have to move on, because you are no longer good for them.

Twenty-Four. Eh. You know how I think you can tell you are leading a good life? If you aren’t completely bummed on your birthday. My first instinct every January 13th is that everyone is depressed on their birthday, but there has to be plenty of people out there who look forward to the future and can leave the past in the past. They look forward to moving on. They aren't scared. I believe these are the happy ones.

In the story I am currently working on the main character, Johnny, seems to sum up the unhappy ones:

“Think about it. Your whole life you want to be sixteen, then you want to be eighteen, then you desperately need to turn twenty-one, but after being twenty-one for a while you want to be seven again, because now you don’t really have anything to look forward to until you are sixty-five and can retire, and no one wants to think about that. You don’t care that you couldn’t drive, live on your own, or drink. You just want to play hide-n-seek. We realize that are seven year old selves were a lot happier than we are and all we want to do is go back, but since we know that is impossible we just try to keep from going forward. And so we fill our lives with events that are full of empty calories in an attempt not to grow, and we starve.”

Am I better off then when I was twenty-three? Not even close. Much worse in fact. Despite all efforts and decisions made in an attempt not to grow, I turned twenty-four anyway. Huh. I wish I could say that I saw that one coming.

...

2007-01-02T16:44:00.000-08:00

A conversation had by the girls who sit in the cubicle next to mine. Loosely quoted, but still very real.

A:"I didn't know today was like a national day of mourning."

B: "Oh, for like President Ford?"

A: "Yeah."

C: "Is it on our calendar?"

Things That Upset Me But Probably Shouldn't

2007-01-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

I heard this advertisement on the commercial and I was in a mood where it just really made me mad. It doesn't really make me mad now, but I do still think it is kind of dumb.

When my CD player is really cold it doesn't work at all, so while I was driving home from campus I was forced to listen to the University radio station and an advertisement came on with some kid talking. "You know about air pollution, and water pollution, and even noise pollution, but do you know about light pollution?" The kid explained a little about what light pollution is and then some proffesor started talking about how we should cover up our lights so that only the area that needs to be lighted gets lit. She said how depressed she gets when she can't see her stars at night. Well, Cedar isn't exactly Vegas, is it? If you want to see more stars just head to the edge of town, which is eight minutes in any direction, and then take ten steps and you will be able to see all the stars you want. She then said that light pollution has also been linked to cancer, but you can't really use cancer to guilt people into doing things these days though. Everything causes cancer.

I got all worked up and was yelling at the stupid lady on the radio.

I have also noticed that the last little while I have been a lot more irritable. I have come to the conclusion that my job has a lot to do with. Working in quality control is kind of rough. All I do all day is fix people's mistakes. Some make the same ones over and over again, no matter how many times I tell them. I think now it is starting to spill over into my normal life so that all I do when I am not at work is look for mistakes. So I yell at the T.V. and radio, but also at real people. I tend to tell people how they are wrong all the time. Not really because I care about them and am trying to help them, but because at work I am used to always having the last say, so they should be doing it the right/my way. I don't know how I haven't gotten beaten up yet.

Finally, I Got Me Some Snow

2006-12-16T12:32:00.000-08:00

A chilling silence.
A world of violets.
My breath materialized again.
Immaculate. Inanimate.
A comfort cutting time I see... a string of white lights.

Forever walking through December.
Forever longing for a sign of life, a bringer of light.
Forever wandering together
through a world of violets.

Ice everlasting.
A full moon casting
a purple veil enshrouding all.
I perambulate, somnambulant.
A solace piercing time I see... a string of white lights.

Forever walking through December.
Forever longing for a sign of life, a bringer of light.
Forever wandering together
through a world of violets.

If only for one night,
if only for one night,
if only for one night remember.
If only for one night,
if only for one night,
if only for tonight together.

A Winter's Tale, AFI

Bobby and the sub-concious

2006-12-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

Still bored.

I am in the middle of revising a story from my fiction class. It is about two punks from SLC. Eventually Johnny moves on and Bobby moves away, but in reality gets left behind. They keep in touch by writing songs/poems/thoughts and mailing them to eachother.

I thought that while I was writing the rough draft I had more in common with Johnny, than I thought I had more in common with Bobby. I just realized that they are both me. The Johnny side of me thinks we should move on, or just find out what moving on is actually. The Bobby part of me never wants to change. In the story it ruined his life, so what does that tell me about myself and what I think?

The thing is I didn't come up with any of this until about two months after the first draft was done. It is really crazy how your sub-concious comes rolling out of you onto the paper when you are trying to write a story. I learn so much about myself through my own writing. Sometimes I don't like it because it makes me become so honest with myself, and other times it gives me possible solutions to my life.

A lot of characters have bits of the author in them, and some don't really have any. They will do things that the person who made them up will never do. Rob, lie, cheat, swear, kill, or on the other side of the spectrum: get married, move to the suburbs, go to church, be nice. The characters that take on a life of their own and do what they want are the best ones, I think. They force you to write it their way even though you might not want to. You can try to do it your way but it will never work. So this story now leaves me in an interesting position: These characters are me, not just bits. Some parts of them I didn't know were me until they showed me. What is the point? I am kind of scared to continue. I have to face stuff and stuff and some of the stuff I don't like. I am kind of nervous what I will come up with. The plus side is that it all should make for a very real and pretty good story in the end.

Here is the last letter that Bobby sent to Johnny. It is the very first thing that appears in the story (as of now, anyway). This idea actually inspired a post a bit ago. I am not sure if it came from me or Bobby.

When the snow comes I will be fine.
I won't need anymore and I can forget
about the other things that will make me happy.
I won't need them.
I will walk the park and write a song on the sidewalk
And watch the flakes fill it in.

Fall 06'

2006-12-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to do this post but I am bored.

I decided this past summer that I am going to make a CD for myself every so often with a bunch of stuff I have added to my collection, and maybe some older stuff that I have "rediscovered" within my existing collection and certain songs that have got me through the past few months whether old or new. So here is a list of the new albums I got during this semester. Most of them were released in 2006, and a few are older and I just never got around to picking them up. I am still deciding which songs should make the cut.

Steven Swift (from Cedar City), Sweet Apple Sunrise
The Mars Volta - Amputechture
Lars Fredriksen and the Bastards
Dredg - Catch Without Arms
The Briggs - Back to Higher Ground
Millencolin - Life on a Plate
Strung Out - Twisted by Design
Amos Lee - Supply and Demand
The Bouncing Souls - The Gold Record
Rancid - Indestructible
Rancid - Live from New York 08/25/06
The Draft - In a Million Pieces
Flogging Molly - Whiskey on a Sunday
Time Again - The Stories are True
The Unseen - State of Discontent

I also got two songs by Tim Armstrong from his new solo record. He is releasing the songs online as he finishes them,

Help Save The Youth Of America From Exploding

2006-11-27T02:30:00.000-08:00

At the end of the last post I quoted the song from which the title of my blog came from. I thought after that some might want to know where it is from if you don't already know. It is from the song "Help Save The Youth Of America From Exploding" from Less Than Jake's fourth Album, Hello Rockveiw. Here are the lyrics in case you are interested:

Sit down. Remind me how
this is the same old story of growing up and getting lost.

And just outside I can hear the sound
of the early morning street
becoming way too loud.
The hum of the engines in the cars on the street.
And with this cigarette that I just lit
as I passed the 53rd Street bridge.
Right now the world just seems too big,the world just seems too big.

Sit down. Remind me how
this is the same old story of growing up and getting lost.

And just outside I can see my breath
in between the words
that fog my spinning head.
And I can see the sun coming up,
and its just light enough to see.

And all the late-night calls
with all the lost hopes.
And all the missed connections
and the lost directions.

Sit down. Remind me how
this is the same old story of growing up and getting lost.

Time for another one of those 'What did/does/will it all mean' kind of posts.

2006-11-27T00:09:00.000-08:00

I got a lot stuff running through my head. They seem to be all tied together somehow in there, but not really organized, so I am just going to write them down and hopefully you will see how they are all connected.

I am back "home" (in this instance home refers to where I currently reside) after having gone home home for Thanksgiving. I am grateful for Theraflu.

And as it happens everytime I come back to school after being home I get blue (I think it is actually more of a grayish color with black speckles in it). I can think of a few reasons I get this way. One would be I have to go to school tomorrow. Middle finger to that. Moving on.

Sometimes I wonder why I moved down here. Most people leave to go to school to get away from home. I haven't really lived with my parents since I was nineteen, but I was still home; in Salt Lake. People leave home for different reasons: they don't like it there, to get away from their parents, to experience different people. If you live in Utah you might want to go somewhere where they have real beer and more boobie bars, and if you are LDS in Utah you might want to experience the church outside of the state.

All that is good and fine, but none of them apply to me. I have never had a desire to leave home. I love my family and my friends and my ski resorts and my desert and my sand dunes and my canyons and my church and my restaraunts and my area code and my theaters and my streets and my mountains and my valley and my venues and my music stores and my sky and my winter and my fall. I love home. So why did I leave? Granted I didn't go too far away, just over 3 hours south, but when I go back and see my family and my friends and my stuff I sometimes wonder why I left them. And the real disheartening thing is when I come back to Cedar and it feels more like home than Salt Lake does.

In the last week of October we got quite a bit of snow one night. I had no idea it had snowed until I walked out my front door. Those who know me can picture the smile I had on my face when I saw this. I love the snow, and while I knew it would be gone in a couple of days I thought it might mean that winter might come a bit earlier than usual. Ever since that day when I wake up in the morning and I can tell it is over cast outside I crack open my blinds to see if it snowed, and have been disappointed every time when I see the dead stale ground outside.

I was told by many people that we were supposed to get snow over the weekend in SLC. I waited and waited and no snow came. I really was bummed out. I knew this girl named Summer once, and on days where she couldn't see the sun she got depressed. I mean, you really didn't want to be around her on an overcast day. Now I don't get depressed on sunny days, but my mood does improve by 50% on rainy days and a good 80-90% when it is snowing. I think because the world tones down a notch. It shrinks a little. Becomes more manageable.

I haven't been to Brianhead, but I hear good things. I am looking forward to going boarding this season although I will be going alone. That doesn't bother me at all. I have my ski crew back home and if I can't go with them I would rather go alone. I have had quite a few conversations with people here at school where the phrase, "We should go (snowboarding)," has been said. I even met a girl who works at Bruanhead and says she can get me free passes. I will usually say, "Okay. Sounds good," or something but really hope they never call me. Is that healthy? Probably not, but if I am going to buy a pass (I have already decided going with that girl isn't worth it) and drive up the canyon I might as well enjoy myself as much as I can. If I can't ride Gad-2 with my buddies and mess with the out-of-staters than I would rather hit the cherry cherry pow pow alone. It makes sense. Really, it does.

I have had a few potentially good things come into my life this semester. The kind of things where I get the feeling that if I went ahead with them good things would come of it (hence the title "good things"), but this would mean change and progress etc. I sometimes think that there are other powers that be that are pushing me into these things and I resist instinctively, which is of course ridiculous, especially for a person who believes in "other powers that be" and that thinks that "they" wouldn't lead me astray. Yet, I resist and think that somehow I will be fine just the way I am if I can just hold out until the snowfall comes. I will be happier and in less need of any other good things.

"Sit down. Remind me how this is the same old story of growing up and getting lost...right now the world just seems too big."

Old Friend - Rancid

2006-11-02T23:45:00.000-08:00

Really any Rancid song would do. Giving me one last chance to dance around my room and play air guitar in front of the mirror.

Operation Ivy was together from 1987-1989 (in the two years they were together they played 185 shows), Tim Armstrong and Matt Freeman later formed Rancid in 1991 with the drummer Brett Reed, picking up where The Clash left off. Lars Fredriksen later joined the band in 93’. Operation Ivy’s story is told in the song Journey to the End of the East Bay on Rancid’s album And Out Come the Wolves.

The Rancid Punx have given us a slew of punk rock over the years, other than their six, soon to be seven, full length releases, they have a number of side projects. Ever since 2000 they have released a full length album each year.

2000 – Rancid (self titled)
2001 – Fredriksen’s project, Lars Fredriksen and the Bastards, releases first album.
2002 – Armstrong's side project The Transplants release first album.
2003 – Rancid’s Indestructible released.
2004 – Lars’ second solo album, The Viking, released.
2005 – The Transplants second album Haunted Cities.
2006 – Tim Armstrong’s solo record. It is being released over the internet a song at a time and can be downloaded for free as a thanks to all the fans and support over the years.
2007 – Rancid is set to release their seventh album.

Tim Armstrong also started a record label, Hellcat Records, in order to help out other bands and help get the music out to the people. A lot of punk bands have made their way to Hellcat, including: Dropkick Murphy’s, U.S. Bombs, Tiger Army, Time Again, The Unseen, and The Clash’s Joe Strummer’s band, Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros.

When a Rancid song is played in between sets at a concert it is one of the only times where everyone is singing out loud together and dancing when there is no one on stage, because we all know the music and are thankful for it because it helps us to get up when we’ve “been knocked out, beat down black and blue,” and odds are they are the reason we are at the show in first place.

For all the unheard - The Bouncing Souls

2006-11-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

This would be my way of thanking all the music that has pushed me along for so...long, and apologizing that I couldn’t listen to it all while I laid on my deathbed. I could make a list about my favorite music about music too, but won’t.

This is the last song on the Bouncing Souls album The Gold Record that came out in July:

A guitar collects dust like his heart, soundless and still A girl collapses on her bed writing words never read, troubled youth spills over into troubled life and times We walk alone with our troubled minds A guitar strikes a chord hits the misery so hard so bold, sounding through this world where it is so hard to feel that gold It’s running through us all, a beauty buried deep under a river of grief where the muddy waters flow and the stones don’t roll This is for all the unheard, all the music left behind, all the songs left on the floors of the closets of our minds Where’s the passion gone in our hearts? Lost somewhere in the grind; it’s time to bring it back, its time to unwind, find what we lost, it’s time to bring it back A lost song lingers on, bouncing off stars on and on, a moment gone or is it looking for you to sing its tune

Rad, huh?

Bankrupt on Sellin - Modest Mouse

2006-11-02T23:42:00.001-08:00

Out of all the songs on this list this one by far fits the best, and was the easiest for me to choose. The tone that the guitar line creates (same one throughout the song) is pretty thick, and its inertia is strong enough to last you almost an entire day.

Televators - The Mars Volta

2006-11-02T23:40:00.000-08:00

At the Drive-in broke up in 2001 due to differences of opinion on what direction to take the band. One side( Cedric Bixlar-Zavala, Omar Rodriguez-Lopez) wanted to take it in a more progressive experimental direction, and the other wanted to focus on the rock aspects of the music and take it in a more traditional rock direction. The band split and both sides went the way they had wanted, forming The Mars Volta and Sparta.

Now, as much as I love At the Drive-in, if the sole reason for them splitting was to form The Mars Volta I say it was worth it. Listening to a Mars Volta album is unlike anything else. You get sucked into the storyline of each album so intensly that when it ends, and the silence begins again (there is no silence on any of the albums) it is a rough jolt back to the real world. But because the instrumental aspect of the music is so incredible the lyrics get overlooked just about everytime in reviews and conversations (I know I always talk about the music), but Bixlar-Zavalas poetry on the records is amazing and matches the intensity of the music perfectly.

Soul Suckers - Amos Lee

2006-11-02T23:39:00.000-08:00

I have said it before and I will say it countless times more: Amos Lee is awesome. Nuff Said.