A Letter From a Work in Progress

It is no wonder why most songs, movies, and books are about love. You can be bitter about love when you are out of it, but when you are in it everyone knows there is nothing better. Sitting there in the dark with Kate I knew I loved her. I knew because I was happy. I think I was too young the last time I was happy to remember what it was like, but the feeling is now crisp and bright.

We spend most of our time hiding our weaknesses. We act brave when we’re afraid, we pick fights with people who scare us, we pretend the future isn’t there, we say we are “okay.” We perceive all this resistance we put up as strength. Then we take a wrong step somewhere and fall in love, and all the resistance is no longer needed. It’s scary because we feel weak; rather we realize we are weak. All this resistance we thought we were putting up was nothing more than hiding and we find that we haven’t grown strong at all.

Then the most dreaded word, after love, comes: Vulnerability. Before, we pretended that we were impenetrable. Nothing got in or out, but now we lower the bridge that we never told anyone existed, now there is a big gaping hole in the side of your stronghold, and we find out that we want nothing more than to tell every filthy secret about ourselves and every fear we have, in the name of love.

The third word comes: Happiness. Not so much dreaded as it is thought to be mystical—and uninteresting. Just like love, we tell ourselves we don’t want it because in the act of wanting we suggest we need something, and therein lies a weakness. So we say it doesn’t exist. We wanted to be interesting like Elliot Smith or Fitzgerald, so we drink too much and do too many drugs, and push loved ones out of our lives; anything to make ourselves feel more miserable each day. After we feel it, though, we know that being happy is much more interesting than being sad, and we realize we know more miserable people, and read more miserable authors, and listen to more miserable musicians, and less of the happy ones, not because the happy ones are so uninteresting, but because they are so rare.

And I know that in reading this letter you don’t find it as interesting or good as my other letters (as I still kinda feel that way myself), but I think that’s just because we have trained ourselves to look at these things with our head half cocked to the side, and with one hand in front of the face so as not to get a full effect, afraid of what it might do to us, and we miss what’s there.

So, like every other poor sap that has fallen in love, I have tried to explain it, and I think I did as good a job as anyone could do.

Some Color. Yaay!

While sitting in my gray rectangular work home yesterday I realized I needed to run out to my truck. While walking through the parking lot I walked by a sheriff’s car in our parking lot, which isn’t that odd because there are always cops at the Crown Burger next to our office for lunch and dinner. The rest of his crew cutted moustched friends were parked in the Crown Burger parking, but it was pretty busy so I guess he decided to come park in our lot. The only thing was he parked in our handicap spot while there were plenty of spaces open right next to said handicap spot. There isn’t much that grinds my gears worse than someone who has too much authority or too much money and believes themselves above the rest of us normies, and doesn’t think the same rules apply to them. I mean nobody is going to give this guy a ticket.

On the way back I walked by the cruiser again and thought that I should leave a note on his car, a ticket if you will. I recruited an accomplice and we wrote out the ticket on a purple post-it that said, “This is your ticket for parking in the handicap spot, douche. Sincerely, Everyone.” We walked out the side door and as we walked by the car I slapped it on his driver side window and then proceeded to go in the front door of the office. As we entered we felt that justice had been served. Neither of us had a view out a window that would enable us to observe the officer as he read his ticket. I kept standing up from my desk to look and see if he was coming, but knew I would probably miss him.

About an hour later someone came into my area and said, “Who has purple?” I looked around my cubicle wall and sure enough there was the sheriff, moustache and all, holding the note I left on his window. I took my post-its and put them under my leg. Of course everyone else was pretty confused and asked him what was going on.

“I want to apologize to whoever called me a douche.”

“Someone left a nasty note on your car?”

“Yeah, they called me a douche.” I was laughing pretty dang hard at this point and IM'ing my accomplice.

“Oh man, no one here would do that.”

I think the cop said the D word like 50 times while he was in the office. It tickled me every time.

Apologize? Yeah right. He was pretty pissed and we all know that cops, along with politicians and referees, don’t apologize to people. Even the people who didn’t know what was going on knew that he wanted to confront the person who bruised his giant cop ego.

He then proceeded to walk around the entire office looking for purple post-its and colored pens (I had written it in red pen). Most everyone has purple post-its because those are the ones the office purchased most recently.

“I didn’t realize it was a handicap spot.” Uh-huh. The big freaking blue square with the handicap symbol inside didn’t tip you off, huh? Neither did the post with the same symbol? Yeah right, but still, if the rest of us wouldn’t have realized it we still would have earned a parking ticket.


I was kind of bummed that the people around me didn’t think it was funny as it was, but after the officer left we claimed the note and gave the whole story of him being parked in the handicap spot while there were several open spots nearby. They didn’t realize he was parked there so then it all made sense to them then. They told us if we ever did something like that again we need to let them in on it so they can enjoy it as well. I actually got yelled at because people were scared when he came up to talk to him, but the overall sentiment in the office concerning what we did was pride. Good times.

We sufficiently got our point across. In hindsight, while trying to stick it to the man, maybe calling him a feminine product wasn’t the greatest of ideas, but I was upset, and I am sure had a disabled person needed the spot they would have called him much worse.

Top Five Tunes on Tunes

Learned to let go of the things we can't control. Left em behind and followed rock and roll. We found a new way of life. Forever till the end of time. But never getting old. What are songs for, anyway, without the guts to live your life that way? - The Bouncing Souls

1. Radio, Rancid – Never fell in till I fell in love with you. Never knew what a good time was so I had a good time with you. If you wanna get the feeling and you wanna get it right then the music’s gotta be loud. For when music hits I feel no pain at all. Radio, Radio, Radio. When I got the music I got a place to go.

2. Sing Along Forever, Bouncing Souls - I'm driving listening to my radio, checkin out the airwaves for something to believe in, gimme something to hold true, gimme something to sing about. Gimme a reason to care, I'll sing along forever. Watered-down words covered in song trying to hide the truth That life is beautiful, and life is pain, give it to me straight, touch my heart, I'll sing along forever.

3. For all the unheard, The Bouncing Souls - A guitar strikes a chord hits a misery so hard so bold. Sounding through this world where it's so hard to feel that gold. This is for all the unheard, All the music left behind. All the songs left on the floors in the closets of our minds. Where's the passion gone in our hearts? Lost somewhere in the grind. It's time to bring it back It's time to unwind. Find what we lost. It's time. It's time to bring it back

4. Indestructible, Rancid (and my favorite when I feel weak like this) - And I know I'm indestructible tonight. Playback, rock and roll come and save me. It's a safe bet that you will never ever betray me. And I'll give back everything that you gave me. And I know that no one can ever ever contain me. And I won't get bogged down like some American consumer, nah, I'm dancing now to a whole different drummer. And I'll keep listening to the great Joe Strummer cause through music we can live forever. And I know I'm indestructible tonight.

5. Thank You, The Descendents (speaking of being weak) - I'll listen to you for hours, I'll listen all day. Just keep hitting me the right way. Sing your song in the shower, cause you got a way to say what I can never say right - right on. When I feel weak you make me feel strong. Make me feel strong. I won't say your name, but you know who you are. I'll never be the same again now - no way. I just want to say thank you for playing the way you play. Did you know you're why I go and waste my time at a rock and roll show? You let me know I'm not alone. You make me feel strong, make me feel strong. Feel like nothing's wrong.

Note: This is really more of a top six because I can't narrow it down, but since Soundsystem was just talked about, I left it off this list, thus, making it a top five.

No Title

I will finally be a student again. After a semester off I got registered up at the U yesterday. Nice. So I will be working full-time and will be a full-time student. I have never done the double full-time thing and am kind of nervous, but pretty excited about my classes for the most part. I am taking a fiction workshop, 19th century American literature history class, history of photography, and analysis of argument. Should be rockin.

I will be glad to be back in school again because being a twenty-five year old single Mormon guy is a pretty bland period of life. I find myself just wishing that I had something lighthearted to talk about. A funny experience or idea. Something. Some color in my life. But as it is now, pretty much all I do is sit at my desk at work, which is entirely gray. A lot of the girls I meet are either married or fresh out of high school making it a workout just being in the same room as them. I’m sure they’re nice, but I’m just out of the period of life where I could stand a car full of girls cranking Fergie, bouncing in their seats and screeching the lyrics while I get whipped in the eyes by hair and asked why I am not doing the same.

If I do meet a nice girl I would like to take out, and would like go out with me, I don’t do it because I feel guilty about it, because I have so much stuff I need to deal with first that if something good did end up happening I would feel bad for her because she had no idea what she signed up for (kind of like you do now if you made it this far in this post). This (yes, the third ‘this’ in six words and the second set of paranthesis in one. I’m okay with it) is where “they” or “you” or “whoever” says, “Well then, go take care of it.” And then I say, “Yeah, but. . .” But what? But it’s going to suck, that’s what, and I am tired. I need to try though, so I can stop writing posts like this one and move on to more interesting subjects.

How about I do a Top 5 Tunes on Tunes? That could be fun. Okay, done. Plus, it will get me listening to something a little more upbeat.

To Resist Despair in This World is What it is to Be Free

Today-what can I say? Today sucked. It sucked long, and it sucked hard. I am in the middle of being frustrated mentally, physically, spiritually; I'm frustrated at work, home, not at school because I wasn't able to go this semester, and that is frustrating.

I spent way too much time today not at work applying at the U again even though I was already accepted once and even though it was their fault (in my eyes at least, I can see their point. I will give them that) that I wasn't able to register and had to pay the late fee again, and will again be registering late. I think it would be understandable to be frustrated at my day.

Frustrated, though, may be an understatement. If only I was frustrated; a normal person would be frustrated, but I think it is safe to say that I am completely pissed off in all those above mentioned areas. I won't go too much into my angry character flaw; I just wanted to give you an idea of why I couldn't calm down today and wanted to start tearing cubicles from the walls in a vulgar rampage. Reason for painting this very negative, but honest, image of myself would be so that the calm present version of Jeremy has a little more meaning.

Today sucked until about five o'clock when I realized that the re-release of Operation Ivy's Energy (including tracks from the EP's Hectic and Turn it Around, and released as Operation Ivy) that was supposed to be in June, then in October, then to what I thought was next week was actually today. Now, the day didn't improve dramatically until I had it in my hands, because I was still a little skeptical that I had received the correct information, but alas, it was there on the new releases shelf, and the day improved dramatically once Knowledge started playing on my truck stereo. It was already a horrible week even though I was halfway through Tuesday and this was a very welcome surprise. Honestly, things are fine now. I am totally fine. My heart rate is back to normal, and even though I just finished work at 9:30, I feel like dancing instead of violently self-destructing. I love music. Yes, I do. I love it because it gives back to me. Twelve bucks very well spent.

Try to describe to the limit of my ability:
It's there for a second
Then it's given up what it used to be.
Contained in music somehow more than just sound,
This inspiration coming and twisting things around
Because you always know that it's gonna have to go
You always know that you'll be back in the cold.
Point of departure sublimated in a song
It's always coming to give me that hope for just a second
then it's gone, but!

To resist despair, that second makes you see. . .
To resist despair, because you can't change everything. . .
To resist despair in this world is what it is, what it is to be free.

Sound system gonna bring me back up
One thing that I can depend on.

Possibly the Longest Single Post in GUAGL History

Holy crap, I am bored. The program my job pretty much revolves around doesn’t work so I have NOTHING to do. I checked my blog and noticed that I only have six posts about roommates, and that those six posts are part of one story, then that reminded me of last night (Thursday) and since I have nothing to do you get to know about last night too.

Rob and I returned home from Lacey’s at about one in the morning and our house smelled like warm feces. I proceeded to complain about the stench as loud as I could hoping to wake our two roommates downstairs so they knew how much I hated when this happened. You see, our two roommates who live downstairs are both from Enterprise, Utah, and they come from farming families. I could write post after post about the friction this simple difference in culture causes; in this case it is that they cook huge dinners for themselves every night, and sometimes breakfast and most of the time they result in a similar smell we had just encountered. Not only does it smell bad but you feel like you need to take a shower just by being in its midst, scratch that, you do have to take a shower just by being in its midst. Also, while cooking these meals of theirs they use more dishes in one day then Rob and I would use in a normal week.

Right before we left Lacey’s we were talking about how Roommate One has horrible aim in the bathroom and doesn’t like to clean up the mis-fired . . . ammo. And how way too often when I wake up in the morning and head to the bathroom to take care of business, I encounter R1’s business (serious business, if you know what I mean). How do you sit on the toilet, do that, and then stand up and totally forget what you have been doing for the past 5 minutes!!!!???? It is hard to think of a worse way to start my day then lifting up the lid and encountering an hour-long stagnant deuce. I mean bloody hell.

Anyway, since we were just talking about them I sent Lacey a text message.

“Words cannot describe the smell our roommates have filled our house with.”

“Sick! What did they do?”

“It smells like they cooked an old man’s diaper.” I sent it and then thought for a second and sent, “Hey, maybe words can describe it.”

By the way, keep in mind that it is now one in the morning, meaning the smell is at least a few hours old and still crazy potent. My last thought before I went to bed was ‘I bet I have weird dreams because of this odor I have to sleep in.’ I usually have freakin weird and very vivid dreams anyway, so I was scared what was going to happen with adding this extra element to the equation. The sum of that equation goes like this:

I was in a co-ed locker room, and I was way confused because I thought there had to be segregated locker rooms somewhere around there. I hated getting dressed in front of other guys let alone gettin nekked in front of a bunch of girls (in the dream that is, heh heh). So, I was getting pretty stressed over it until I finally found the guy’s locker room. I changed into my swimsuit and headed out to the pool. This pool, by the way, is a re-occurring object in my dreams. I don’t remember any dream where I actually swim in it, so if any psych majors read this maybe you could help me out there. This dream was no different; I just walked around it and then went outside to play football. I was fully dressed and back in high school all of the sudden and with some kid who was my friend, I guess. Anyway, Alta’s football team was having practice and we stopped by to see if they needed help. We sat with the team on the grass and listened as their coach told them how pathetic they were. He then started yelling at me, telling me that I’d better play really well being that I had RoboCop shoes on. I did have RoboCop shoes on. They were black and said RoboCop in silver. Even though he had just humiliated me I was still confident my RoboCop shoes were awesome, and that everyone else still thought so. I think that part of the dream comes from Napolean Dynamite. “You think I got to where I am by dressing like Peter Pan over here? Forget about it.”

At this point I started narrating my own dream like a movie. One of those movies where you find out in the end the narrator is actually the main character years after the story. When practice actually got started they realized they didn’t need our help, so my friend and I walked over to this grassy area and started playing baseball by ourselves. I guess we were both really good at baseball. The area we were playing on used to be a pretty popular field back in like the fifties, but now you could hardly tell there was ever a baseball field there. We played until it started getting dark, then we came up with the idea that we should re-build the field so people could play baseball on it again, so we started taking care of the field. While watering it I realized that I would never ever have enough money to make the field into what we thought it deserved to be and I started crying, but like balling and feeling so horribly sad because our dream would never be realized. Now the narration just took over and I just saw everything that it talked about. My friend and I got the field to where games could actually be played on it. We started a team that was called something Broncos, I can’t remember. We were so good that we got Triple A status and became the Bees, and we got a big budget to make the field better. Eventually major league teams played in the stadium we had built there, and it eventually became the “Wrigley of the West.”

How often is it that your dreams come true in your dreams?

There you have it.

Enter Ipod

My last check had 25 hours of overtime on it (in one week). Enter Ipod. My last one was stolen. God help anyone who tries to take this one from me.

More From the Office

1:36 Decide to make a post about my afternoon at work.

1:37-1:39 Finish a report and fight the urge to go to the bathroom because I am too lazy to get up, then remember the clip from Liar Liar and go to the bathroom.

1:42 Return from the bathroom and start next report.

1:50 Cameron asks what I am writing and I tell him a post about work.

2:36 -2:46 Talk to boss about ipods.

2:51 - 3:03 Go to Sev to get a slurpee to help me last to the end of the day.

3:10 Cam gets upset because he bought a Caramello at Sev but the machine at work had a peanut butter Twix that is cheaper.

3:11 Time to hit the john again.

3:13 Note on my way back from the bathroom that the girl who sits next to me is always watching anime.

3:15 Cam and I discuss starting an "a la carte" cable company.

3:21 Think to myself that it is amazing how happy a good slurpee can make me.

3:23 Finish another report

3:46 Think that I should make a Top 5 albums to listen to in the dark list.

3:52 Feel that I should tell you that the last two minutes of Big Sur by Mason Jennings is awesome.

4:03 Finish another report.

4:04 Look up lyrics to Now the World by AFI because I couldn't sing along to the chorus.

4:16 One of my favorite Rancid songs comes on my itunes. "Radio Clash, Magnificent Seven. I was a choir boy you showed me no heaven."

4:19 Decide to listen to Magnificent Seven by The Clash.

4:52 Sad because my slurpee is gone, but it lasted a while.

5:00 Sad because its five and I have to stay till six.

5:04 Happy because I decided to make up the hours later and leave now.

Just 40 more years of that and I can retire. Boo-ya.

Me at Work

You know what is scary? I am smiling.

Cat

Mick sat on the covered porch at the side of his house with a book, a sandwich, and a glass. The book was Hemingway, the sandwich was turkey, and the glass was milk. On the opposite side of the driveway that ran past the side of his home the very old wood fence gave birth to a cat. It's fur matched the color of the dark worn wood. The cat noticed Mick and stopped to stare at him. He noticed that the man seemed to be as old as the fence he had just crawled under. Mick stared back. After a few moments Mick put down Hemingway and leaned forward, extended his arm and rubbed his thumb against his fingers while making swishing noises with his mouth to try and entice the cat to his side of the driveway. The cat startled at the movement and thought about retreating back through the fence, but stopped and looked again at the man.

Mick took a bit of meat from his sandwich and tossed it in the cat's direction, who didn't notice it until it hit the grass in front of him. He sniffed at it a few times and then ate it. The cat looked back at the old man and shamelessly asked for more. Mick got up and retrieved two more slices from the refrigerator and returned to the porch. He dangled a slice of turkey from his hand.

"Come on. Come eat." The cat slowly made it's way over to the old man and quickly ate the first slice without chewing, and then the second in the same way, and again asked for more.

"That's it, cat. I guess there is some milk here if you want it." He put the glass in front of the cat who looked inside and then immersed his head in to get what was left of the milk.

"Okay, cat. I am going inside now. Behave yourself."

###

Mick was standing over the kitchen sink looking out the window. His wife came in the side door. "There is a cat just sitting on the porch," she said

"He came to visit me when I was reading," Mick said.

"You didn't feed him did you?"

"No."

"Then we'd never get rid of it."

"We're out of turkey."

Random Randomness

Sorry, I never actually came back from intermission. The reminiscing groove is gone so I don't think I will be picking that back up, but thought I would throw a post on here. I am currently at work and my brain is crying. Also, I have decided that I don't like the smell of paper towels. I also hate the feel of cardboard, but I have known that for a long time.

I am currently wearing glasses because I lost a contact at the Rise Against concert, which was all time by the way! I hope my new contacts come in soon, because I want to wear my new cubs hat, and I don't particularly enjoy wearing glasses.

I watched Sandlot on Sunday. Greatest baseball movie of all time. Which brings me to my next point: Don't smoke crack.

Intermission - The Secret Garden

We will get back to Chile in a bit.

Hale Theater is currently doing The Secret Garden, and my brother, Strude, is playing Dr. Neville Craven. Today on the news they did a bit on the play, and my brother talks a little about the it and then sings Lilies Eyes. Check it out. They are the 2nd and 3rd video clips in the middle of the page. But, you should also just go see the entire production. I saw it on Saturday, and it was awesome. If you do go, go on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or the Saturday matinee to see Strude. There is another cast on the other nights. For real, just go. Get a little culture people!

Also, if theater is yo thang, my brother and his wife run a web site called On Stage in Utah. Check that out as well.

Que Buena Onda, Po.

While on my mission: I had rocks thrown at me, I was kicked, I was swung at with fists and a 40 ounce glass bottle, I was mugged (of all 150 pesos we had between the two of us), I was yelled and sworn at every single day, I was called a liar, a devil, and an idiot. I would say a good 70% of the people I met on a daily basis hated me. Sometimes it didn’t bug me. I was being ridiculed for doing something that I believed in. It didn’t get to me because it was the message they hated, not me. The more resistance that was put up around me the more it seemed to validate what I was doing there. Other times it really got to me. I hated them back for doing what they did without knowing or ever talking to me.

This isn’t a knock on the Chilean people, though. I am pretty sure that is how it is for all missionaries around the world, but in Chile, unlike the majority of the world, you could knock on a random door and ask to use the bathroom and be let in and given a drink and bread, no matter how poor they were, or how much they hated America or Los Mormones—that is as long as we promised not to talk about God. Other than our message, the average Chilean would be willing to talk to us about almost anything. They are such a caring and friendly people, where strangers are innocent until proven guilty, and I love so many of them so much. I still cry some nights because I worry about them, and because I feel I have betrayed them by losing contact (I lost the notebook where I had addresses), and because of who I currently am. If I had one wish, it would be to go back, and talk to Paula and let her know I haven’t forgotten her and her daughter, and tell her I love her and that rarely a day goes by where I don’t think and wonder about her. I would talk to Felipe. He would smile his big smile and scream, “Elder Estenrood!” and would go to do the handshake we made up, and see that I have forgotten it (what is wrong with me!). I would go to the Loyola’s. They would make dinner and we would have a mate around the table and laugh for hours. I would find Ximena and tell her that if she was the only person I ever met while in Chile who wanted to talk to me, and if every other day before and after our time with her was absolute and total hell, my time spent there would have been more than worth it. I would walk La Isla, La Cisterna, San Joaquin, and Lo Espejo.

I can’t do any of these things, and at this point in my little exercise I am finding that it is having the opposite effect I was going for.

La Isla de Maipo

I was born in a little town out in the country called La Isla de Maipo. You see, your first area is where you are born. Your first companion is your dad or ‘Papito’. If there are other missionaries living in the apartment you start in, they are your uncles. If your trainer trains other missionaries, they are your brothers. If you are someones last companion, you kill them, and so on. My papito was Elder Wolfley. He was just over five feet tall. I am 6’2” so we looked kind of funny walking through the sector. Whenever someone brought up how funny we looked Elder Wolfley’s joke was, “Hay Gringito y Gringon.” Funny at first, but after 3 months it wears on you.

We got along pretty well and had some good times. One of my favorite mission stories has to do with Elder Wolfley.

It rains a lot during a Santiago winter, and this winter brought the most rain the country had seen in a long time and there was flooding everywhere. The only thing to do all day was to walk around town and look for people who needed help. I didn’t really have any clothing suited for a flood, so I walked around in jeans and a Foursquare hoodie. Elder Wolfley on the other hand was decked out in water proof gear from his head to his boots, and he made sure to remind me that he was perfectly dry all day long.

Almost every where we went we were up to our knees in water. We tried to stick to the sidewalks where we could because they were raised up a bit and the water wasn’t as deep. While walking on the outskirts of the town we crossed a pretty wide intersection, and I found the curb on the right side of the road and we started up the street with Elder Wolfley at my right. After a few steps there was break in the curb and I dropped down four inches. I tried to warn Elder Wolfley by shouting, “Hole!” but I was one step too late. Elder Wolfley literally disappeared into the hole. Being as short as he was the hole was deeper than he was tall. The concrete hole was there to help drain water off the road, but obviously wasn’t much help at this point. He popped up from the water screaming. Laughing, I asked him if he was okay. He didn’t answer and I kept on laughing. There were three people walking behind us when he fell into the hole, and I will never forget their faces. Three of the most classic faces I have ever seen. They stood there wide eyed, while the grumbling gringito pulled himself out of an invisible hole, and while the gringon made fun of him. I don’t think I stopped laughing the rest of the day. He didn’t find much humor in it at the time, which made it funnier for me, and I reminded him that despite all his fancy clothing he was now just as wet as I was. Not to mention that he just fell into a huge hole.

El Dieciocho

After I came home from Chile I talked about how I found myself at the dieciocho. I have long since lost myself again. I sometimes imagine a transparent me waiting at bus stop eighteen for me to go pick him up again. So that is where I will start.

I lived in La Cisterna on La Gran Avenida above the eighteen for seven months. The Gran Avenida is one of the busiest streets in Santiago. We lived in a corner fourth story apartment above an intersection. The windows were always open because the summer was very hot and there was no air conditioning. When the light turned green and the busses proceeded through the intersection I would have to pretty much yell in order for the person next to me to understand over the first gears of all the busses. There was no need to set an alarm because the busses and the taxis tocando sus bocinas would wake me up, but I don’t ever remember really being annoyed at all the noise.

Just looking out the windows at all the people was enough entertainment to last all day long. And walking up and down the avenue was some of the most fun I had while in Chile. I remember when Colo-Colo won the Chilean Cup and the street filled with people and traffic could not get by. Hundreds of people flooded the street waving Colo-Colo flags and singing the club song and chanting, “C-H-I, Chi! L-E, Le! Chi-Chi-Chi! Le-Le-Le! Colo-Colo de Chile!” and the four of us joined in while hanging out our windows. We watched the crowd until the police were able to break it up so traffic could get by.

I saw eight different missionaries come and go while at the dieciocho. Four of them my own companions. Elders Huerta, Gonzalez, and Meza left the mission from the dieciocho. Elder Cordoba started there. I remember crying when Elder Huerta left. I remember getting so mad at Elder Wheatly for chewing SO loud, and then being even more angry when Elder Meza showed up and chewed even louder. I remember taking on Elder Campbell after Elder Meza went home, and while showing him around the sector the first day I puked on the side of the street from food poisoning, and had to stop at two different members houses that were less than a mile apart, so I could exlpode from both ends, before we made it back home. I remember climbing through a vent in our kitchen ceiling so we could get on our roof to see the Independence Day fireworks, and scream ‘Viva Chile!’ with the others on top of their roofs. I remember getting my Dear John on Christmas Eve and calling my family on Christmas day. We ate at Pizza Hut as a zone for our Christmas dinner. I remember Martes Loco at that same Pizza Hut where we would get 2 for 1 every Tuesday. I remember the four of us drinking mate (accent over the ‘e’. I don’t know how to do that on a computer) at night and telling each other about all the crazy people we met that day

It’s sad because all I can do now is remember. I am glad for the memories, but sometimes they just aren’t enough.

Scratching the Surface

I have been happy before. I don’t exactly remember what it was like, but I remember being it. I want to be happy again; I think that would be nice, so I am going to write some posts about the last time I remember being happy. It was when I was in Santiago, Chile serving as a missionary. I am not going to write about real personal experiences I had there, because I don’t really want to talk about them here. I just kind of want to reminisce about the place and people I love and miss so much. Please bear with me over these next few posts. I will try to keep the posts as short as I can. I can do nothing more than just scratch the surface about how I feel here, but I think they are worth writing and I hope they will be worth reading.

I apologize in advance for all the ‘I remembers’ and the ‘I woulds’ but writing it like that is best way I know how of getting across how my mind works when I am laying in bed at night and it wanders it’s way back to Santiago.

You Stay Classy, South Salt Lake.

As Rob and I were driving down 7th east as we left our beloved Loveland Avenue, we came upon this guy holding a topless car wash sign. We were laughing so hard that I had to turn around so Rob could snag a picture.

His wife? (in the background) did the car washing part and he did the topless part. So, if you are interested there is a ten dollar topless car wash on 7th and about 30th south. Just park on the front lawn and they will take care of you.

Oh, and how awesome is the guy in the middle?

So Tolley got Married - State of the Soul Part Two

It seems like just a little while ago that we were coming home from downtown listening to And Out Come Wolves. We talked about how at the moment the only thing we needed was to listen to Rancid with the windows rolled down and a pal.


Give’em the boot. The roots. The Radicals. Give’em the boot. You know I’m a radical. Give’em the boot. The roots. The reggae on my stereo.


But dude, I think that was two years ago. Crazy, huh? You left that place a long time ago. I did too, and now I came back. It has changed a bit since we left, man. It’s not really better or worse, it has just changed and it was better with you here.


Some grow up and some grow old, but what about the kid who never learned the rules? Spent all these years on this earth, when you look back it’s just a flicker of time.


It is crazy to think that I might not ever see you again. You go back to Hawaii, then you will get a job in California. You have kicked life in full gear and I bet that has to feel pretty good, huh? I am pretty excited for you. You are very capable and I know you will be successful, but I guess if I want to live in your basement I need to move to California, eh?


Reconcile to the belief consumed in sacred ground for me. There wasn’t always a place to go but there was always an urgent need to belong. All these bands and all these people, all these friends and we were equals, but what ya gonna do when everyone goes on without you? To the end, I’ll journey to the end.


I know sometimes I am not the easiest person to get along with, but you did a kick-ass job of being my friend. I will be forever thankful for that.


Somewhere in America, through the city at night, we were far from home, but you knew it was gonna be alright.
Unfortunate get prayed on by vultures eyes. 86 cents in these pockets of mine. You can take my money. You can take my time, but you can’t take my heartache to the city behind.


Anyway, we had good times, great experiences, and an awesome soundtrack. I’m sad to see you go, but am so happy for you. You did it all right. See ya, buddy. Don’t forget your roots!

My Attempt to Decorate This Dying Day - Current Top 5 Rainy Day Songs - State of the Soul Part One

1. Soup - Blind Melon


The clothesline of cold eyes
Is washing away the face before
Now tell me what's wrong
You see everyone's gone
You gotta do your best to decorate this dying day



People move on. Some do, anyway. And it isn’t because they have finished playing their part in your life, it is because you have finished your part in theirs. Everyone moves at different speeds, and some can’t keep up, so there will always be premature breaks along the way. The slow ones will eventually stop because everyone else has crossed the horizon and they can no longer see a path or purpose.



2. Good Feeling - Violent Femmes



Good feeling
won't you stay with me just a little longer?
It always seems like your leaving
when I need you here just a little longer.
Dear lady, there's so many things that I’ve come to fear.
Little voice says I'm going crazy
to see all my worlds disappear.
Vague sketch of a fantasy
laughing at the sunrise
like he's been up all night.
Slippin and Slidin
what a good time,
but now I have to find a bed
that can take this wait.


I don’t really have a broken heart, more like unhealed—and tired. It is tired of wanting what it can’t have, and too tired to want anything else. The brain understands. It is reasonable. It knows what the right thing to do is. I guess the heart understands it all too, it just doesn’t care. It wants what it wants and there is no convincing it, and in the sorry shape that it is in you can’t blame it.



3. From Here to Never - Sparta



So don't forget
The time will come


And I'm not sure
What you'll be like


What will eyes say when I see them
Wonder what you'll grow up to see


If we have torn the map to pieces, you'll find your way home
Cause home is where you believe


There is no stopping it, so I guess I will just let it run its course and see how big of an explosion it makes this time. Should be pretty spectacular.


4. No Ha Parado De Llover - Mana


Quien detendra la lluvia en mi­
Se me ha inundado el corazon
Quien detendra la lluvia en mi, oh mi amor
Solo tu puedes pararla


Sigue lloviendo,
le sigue lloviendo el corazon
Dime que diablos voy a hacer
Sigue lloviendo,
le sigue lloviendo el corazon
Y en mis ojos no ha parado de llover

Pero dime algo, pues me estoy muriendo


I hope you know I meant what I said, and I hope you believe what I said, and I hope you don’t forget I said it.


5. Change - Blind Melon


Don't feel the suns comin' out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery,
I don't think I'll ever see the sun from here.

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy,
cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways we'll work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today
and then they'll paint it.


The only thing left to do now is watch the rain. At least it is raining. I don't want to look up, and in the rain I don't have to. I am glad I got to it before it was too late, because the season is over.

Phone #4

Phone #1 - Forgot on the bumper of my car and then run over repeatedly.

Phone #2 - Thrown out of a moving car on the freeway.

Phone #3 - Ripped in half and thrown against the wall in cold blood.

Why I have high hopes for phone #4 - I was nervous in buying a new phone because I didn't want to get too nice a phone for fear of destroying it again, but I didn't want to get a real crappy one either, because the temptation would be too much. I got a Chocolate. Although free, therefore no finacial commitment, I think it should be okay because unlike any other phones before it, it is my favorite color, black - like my soul. Just kidding. It is black though. The phone. The phone is black. Okay... Also I can put quite a bit of music on it. I am thinking that that should keep it safe. Hopefully. I don't think it has the durability of say, a phone #3 (hence, the being ripped in half).

"Well, you could stop breaking them?" I could, but it is hard for me. They are always with you, and for most part the perfect shape and weight to really chuck something good.

I'm Done

I finished school at 5:19 this morning. I'm done for the summer. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

ShuuuUUT UP!

So I am at the library working on my final papers. There is a guy sitting right behind me reading the paper, and about every 30 seconds he goes, "Hmm," or "That's interesting." I thought he was on the phone, but no, he is just reading the paper all by himself. He is not exactly using his inside voice either. Does he want me to turn around and ask him what he is reading because he seems to be enjoying it so much? I want to set that paper on fire.

Doctor Cox's list of things that he cares as little about as his and JD's last week together

Low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything everything that exists -- past, present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions, Hugh Jackman, and all white guys who add ‘izzle’ to anything.

The Rest of My Life - Less Than Jake

Just thought I would post this Less Than Jake video on here. It is a really awesome video and song, and it goes along with the Growing Up and Getting Lost theme. I like the Alden Nowlen quote it shows:

The day the child realizes all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes and adult. The day the child forgives himself, he becomes wise.

Sigh

Well, what can I say? My ipod got jacked. Right out of my apartment while I was asleep. And our neighbors wonder why we always keep our door locked. This sucks. As I go through the day I remember every so often that I no longer have it, and it makes me really mad. I guess I will go back to mixing CD’s for me to take when I am out and about since I can no longer take my entire library around with me. So I was thinking that I should make a CD to mourn the loss of the ol ipod, and I was wondering what type of CD it should be. I thought about making it full of slow sad songs, or making a CD full of songs about music. Then I thought I could put songs on there with titles that could be associated with the situation, like Listed M.I.A, by Rancid, or something by the The Police. Or maybe Stab. Stab. Stab. by A Wilhelm Scream. Anyway, I decided to burn a CD of my top twenty-five songs played since I bought the ipod, and I can listen to it and remember the good times had the past two or so months. I wonder if I should just wait for the new ipods to come out now?


1. Welcome to New South (Live Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
2. Phantom Limb – The Shins
3. History of a Boring Town (Live Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
4. Knowledge – Operation Ivy
5. Bad Town – Operation Ivy
6. Blacklist – The Briggs
7. A Comet Appears – The Shins
8. Hide the Scissors, Lock the Door – The Blackout Pact
9. To Have and Have Not – Lars Frederiksen
10. Porphyria Cutanea Tarda – AFI
11. Common and Unknown – The Briggs
12. The Wolf – Rancid
13. Myage – The Descendents
14. Army of Zombies – Lars Frederkisen
15. Bonzo Goes to Bitburf – The Ramones
16. Death of Season – AFI
17. Kate is Great – Bouncing Souls
18. Daly City Train - Rancid
19. Broken Bodies – Time Again
20. Let Them Know – The Briggs
21. Suburban Myth (Live, Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
22. The Ghosts of Me and You (Live, Acoustic) – Less Than Jake
23. Malleus Maleficarum – AFI
24. Dancing for Rain – Rise Against
25. Say Anything – Bouncing Souls

Quote of the Day

...made by my buddy Ryan about 5 minutes ago.

"Sometimes instead of taking notes I take a picture of the board. Everyone looks at me like I am the laziest person they know."

I'll Sing Along Forever Wrap Up

Since i don't know how to attach an audio file to this thing I put some links of some Bouncing Souls videos, so you can at least hear the songs I talked about. They are all from Anchors Aweigh except for True Believers.

Anchors Aweigh

Sing Along Forever

True Believers The urinal part still makes me laugh.

Kids and Heroes But I still believe/there are only a few things/that really belong to me/who I am/who I was/and who I wanna be

I'll Sing Along Forever, Continued

Well, now that we have all that back story I wasn't planning on writing, let's fast forward to 2004 shall we?

I don't know how much time I spent just laying on my bed being homesick for Santiago. I wanted to go back more than anything. I had nothing else to do; it was in the middle of the Spring semester so I couldn't go to school, and I didn't have a job. It was hard, but I think the biggest thing was that life at home had changed a lot. While all the True Believers were back together, and it was great, there wasn't as much time for each other anymore, and there was going to be less and less as time rolled along. Friends were getting married or dating seriously and thinking about it or working at real jobs. Although I had matured a lot while I was gone I was still hoping that when we all got back there would still be a good year or two where we could go to school together or get an apartment or something and all move in and just hang out like the ol days. It was never going to be same, and that was hard on me. It still is.

I don't know what the first CD I bought after i got home was, but my favorite was Anchors Aweigh by the Bouncing Souls. This will always be one of my most beloved records. It came out in 2003 while I was away, and is different than anything they had released previously. While there are fast and slow songs on the record, the overall tone is very somber compared to the five previous releases. There is talk of life, death, change, separation, living and learning, and moving on and being able to be the same person while doing it. I have always had the most in common with the Bouncing Soul's lyrics than any other group and the entire record just seemed to match this time of my life perfect, and the title track encompassed all of it. When I listened to this record was one of the only times I truly felt at home. So, they helped me come home just as they had helped me leave, and for that I will sing along forever. And so:

Anchors Aweigh, my friends
I'll see you another day
I'm going away
experiences have to come
and the past has got to go
back into our dreams

Anchors Aweigh, my friends
Everybody understands that good times
come and they go
and together we will always flow
back into our dreams

And our troubles
we can't leave them behind
but the wind blows
and blows them all away
and the road goes
and takes them all away
back into our dreams

I'll Sing Along Forever

I am posting because B-lyn told me to.

I was listening to the Bouncing Souls and decided to write a little thing about them, because while I was listening to them I was thrown back to three years ago. Also, for me, the Bouncing Souls and March will always be linked together like two fingers wishing for luck.

I left and came home from my mission in March 2002 and 2004. The coming home was far and away the harder of the two. I hated it. I hated it for a lot of reasons. I won't go through them because that is not what I want to talk about; the fact that I was a sad mess should do just fine. First, lets go back in time. Now entering flashback story mode: Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo Doodle-a-doo...

1999-2001 The thought that we needed to maybe start taking life a little more serious started to make it's way from the back of our minds and struggle to be closer to the front. And reject it though we may, it was going to get there too. Some of us started to try and be serious and get a move on in a positive direction, and others (the group I belonged to) didn't. The main catalyst for this "movement" was that we were going to be nineteen soon, and are we going to go on this mission? and if so, we need to change so that we do it right. There was nothing around me that could really reach me and convince me to move on. One thing that really held me back was I knew that because of certain things I have done and was doing that road might take me a long time and I didn't have the heart for it.

Thanks to some great friends I started to make my way slowly and not very surely, but I started to put in some effort. Still nothing had really reached me in a way to help me give it my all. I went and bought a CD one day, and I got a free compilation CD with it. There were seven songs on it. Track six was "True Believers" and track seven was "The Gauntlet" by the Dropkick Murphys. It is weird to me today that they were both on there right next to each other because both of these songs became an anthem for that period of our lives and helped me through it. A few of us were in to the Bouncing Souls during this time, and I don't remember if the new Bouncing Souls record had not come out yet or what, but I hadn't heard "True Believers" yet, and when I saw it on there I was happy because the CD wasn't a total waste.

I don't remember the first time I listened to it, and I don't know when it exactly happened, but it was really the first thing that reached me. "Now you can fight or you can run/hide under a rock till the war is won/play it safe and don't make a sound/but not us/we won't back down." I wanted to be part of the group that wasn't under the rock. I realized I really didn't like being under it. I found that I was so much happier actually putting up a fight. I still listen to this, and when I can't listen I sing it it my head, when I fail or think I can't do this anymore and want to stop trying so hard, and it reminds me that it is better to be a True Believer in all aspects of life and take my licks than hide and not try. So while in the big picture punk-rock wasn't really the most important thing at the time, it was the song that helped me realize that believing in something, even if it is just life, isn't just thinking about it, but doing something about it. And life is better if you give it a purpose.

I'll Blog You

So, I haven't posted in a while. I am in the middle of a crazy, frustrating, depressing, and busy semester. You know how bad luck comes in threes? Well for me it seems to come in twenty-seven's. Yet, through all of this crud, the semester is good over all. Not that that is surprising though, I suppose. That's life. All the good and all bad are always there.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hi. Although only two people really comment on this I know a bunch more that read it because they tell me about it when I see them. Hope all is well and I will try not to stay away too long.

On Turning Twenty-Four

Twenty-Four. What is there to say about it? (This is where I pause and let the Old Lady put in her two cents.)
...

(And I guess this where I realize, after a few moments of silence, that she has left me to fend for myself. I guess it is my fault. I never listened to her anyway. I’ll miss you, ya ol bag.)

And so it is. You can’t just take the people you love for granted and expect them to stick around forever. If they truly do love you they will try, probably for years, but there will come a time when they have to move on, because you are no longer good for them.

Twenty-Four. Eh. You know how I think you can tell you are leading a good life? If you aren’t completely bummed on your birthday. My first instinct every January 13th is that everyone is depressed on their birthday, but there has to be plenty of people out there who look forward to the future and can leave the past in the past. They look forward to moving on. They aren't scared. I believe these are the happy ones.

In the story I am currently working on the main character, Johnny, seems to sum up the unhappy ones:

“Think about it. Your whole life you want to be sixteen, then you want to be eighteen, then you desperately need to turn twenty-one, but after being twenty-one for a while you want to be seven again, because now you don’t really have anything to look forward to until you are sixty-five and can retire, and no one wants to think about that. You don’t care that you couldn’t drive, live on your own, or drink. You just want to play hide-n-seek. We realize that are seven year old selves were a lot happier than we are and all we want to do is go back, but since we know that is impossible we just try to keep from going forward. And so we fill our lives with events that are full of empty calories in an attempt not to grow, and we starve.”

Am I better off then when I was twenty-three? Not even close. Much worse in fact. Despite all efforts and decisions made in an attempt not to grow, I turned twenty-four anyway. Huh. I wish I could say that I saw that one coming.

...

A conversation had by the girls who sit in the cubicle next to mine. Loosely quoted, but still very real.

A:"I didn't know today was like a national day of mourning."

B: "Oh, for like President Ford?"

A: "Yeah."

C: "Is it on our calendar?"

Things That Upset Me But Probably Shouldn't

I heard this advertisement on the commercial and I was in a mood where it just really made me mad. It doesn't really make me mad now, but I do still think it is kind of dumb.

When my CD player is really cold it doesn't work at all, so while I was driving home from campus I was forced to listen to the University radio station and an advertisement came on with some kid talking. "You know about air pollution, and water pollution, and even noise pollution, but do you know about light pollution?" The kid explained a little about what light pollution is and then some proffesor started talking about how we should cover up our lights so that only the area that needs to be lighted gets lit. She said how depressed she gets when she can't see her stars at night. Well, Cedar isn't exactly Vegas, is it? If you want to see more stars just head to the edge of town, which is eight minutes in any direction, and then take ten steps and you will be able to see all the stars you want. She then said that light pollution has also been linked to cancer, but you can't really use cancer to guilt people into doing things these days though. Everything causes cancer.

I got all worked up and was yelling at the stupid lady on the radio.

I have also noticed that the last little while I have been a lot more irritable. I have come to the conclusion that my job has a lot to do with. Working in quality control is kind of rough. All I do all day is fix people's mistakes. Some make the same ones over and over again, no matter how many times I tell them. I think now it is starting to spill over into my normal life so that all I do when I am not at work is look for mistakes. So I yell at the T.V. and radio, but also at real people. I tend to tell people how they are wrong all the time. Not really because I care about them and am trying to help them, but because at work I am used to always having the last say, so they should be doing it the right/my way. I don't know how I haven't gotten beaten up yet.